Aka. "Destination Anywhere", "The Boy and Girl from County Bavaria"... After a very intense year in Würzburg (Germany), I'm back in Salamanca. I probably won't have that many experiences to write, but there's always an excuse to post a new entry!

An update on the latest chapters of my life

I've been meaning to post this for a while now, but I couldn't bring myself to. So finally today I've decided to take advantage of the fact that I'm almost voiceless and can't talk to communicate in a different way.

Even though I haven't written anything personal in ages, I have to say that there have been a bunch of changes in my life. The main one is that I've finally decided to overcome one of my biggest fears: I'm not a student anymore. After finishing my masters' course in June (which turned out a lot better than I expected), there was only one thing I was sure of. Whatever I did, I wanted to stay in Salamanca. And there were mainly two reasons for that - my bands and my love (seriously, I couldn't take another shitty, long-distance relationship).

Of course, that meant finding a job (Fear #2), which I spent half the summer doing. I was open for pretty much anything, as long as it wasn't too time-consuming and the schedules allowed me to keep taking singing lessons and rehearsing with the bands. As long as I made enough money to survive without annoying my parents too much. For a few weeks I worked as an operator. The job itself and the atmosphere there sucked ass, but at least I made a decent amount of money. To be honest, the day when I got the call that I was fired was one of the happiest.

In fact, quitting that job gave me the chance to focus on my main professional interest besides arts - teaching. At the end of the summer I began teaching German in a private language school, which is still my main activity. In fact, at the moment I'm teaching German and English in three different places - a language school, an elementary school and my own home.

By the way, this brings me to something else. Yes, again I've moved into a new flat. My room is beautiful, the location couldn't be better and there are no annoying landlords prowling and imposing stupid rules or dictatorial flatmates spoiling the fun. As you can see, I really can't complain about my life right now! Except for the election And I REALLY hope and cross my fingers that everything will stay like this!

Regarding the bands, which is probably what you guys were most looking forward to, everything is going great. In the end I decided to quit Northern Light because I felt that I didn't belong there. I don't like black metal much and I suck at don't enjoy playing keyboard, so it was better to stop and give them the chance to find someone who truly feels identified with the style and can actually play piano. The good news is that I've joined a new project apart from Ohne Seele. The band is called StarShade and we play symphonic rock/metal, influenced by bands like Nightwish, Delain or After Forever. In other words - my dream come true! :D And the best thing of all is that we're actually writing our own stuff, which always feels more special than just doing covers.

Ohne Seele, on the other hand, has been evolving considerably. We're working on a couple of songs of our own, while our repertoire already includes SEVEN songs (covers though). Due to some personal problems, our drummer left the band last summer, but our new one is BRILLIANT. Two weeks ago we finally got the chance to play a 5-song concert, which our audience seemed to enjoy a lot judging by all the positive comments we got. Unfortunately, there are no good videos yet, but there are already plans to create a MySpace site once the recording and arrangements of the first song are complete ("Nymphetamine", by Cradle of Filth feat. Liv Kristine).

We still have no bassist, so StarShade's Bárbara played with us at the concert, as you can see in the pictures. In any case, hopefully soon I'll be able to show you exactly how we sound :)

For now, I believe these are the main novelties. Apart from that, I owe you a post about my summer holiday by the lake and some personal comments about all sorts of topics. Oh, wait a second, I forgot something...

This was my birthday present this year. Welcome to the family, Beethoven Oreo! =)

Is there a celebration in the year which is more gothic than Halloween? If there is, Halloween is still my favourite :) Don't you love my costume for this year?

A week later, here I am to tell you all about the biggest musical event freakshow of the year: the Eurovision Song Contest 2011. Traditions must be followed, don't they?

Last year we baptised it "every plastic surgeon's dream"; this year, we had two recurring themes: On the one hand, plagiarism. Perhaps it's because I haven't heard much pop lately, so I've forgotten what it sounds like, but all songs were suspiciously similar to something I had heard before. Oh well... The other recurring theme was "Let's save the world!" For some reason, a bunch of artists who took part were inspired by how horrible the world nowadays is and how we could and should all unite to undo all the wrong we've done. The Spanish moderator, for once, was not the same old man who can tell you the final result of the contest after the first three minutes have gone by, but I have to admit that it was a nice change. And now, without further delay, let's start commenting all the contestants individually. (Our favourites in red)

1. Paradise Oskar (Finland): I was expecting some Holopainen-ish hottie, but that guy was not the stereotypical Finn at all. He was indeed blond and cute, but he was more like the kind of boy whose head you'd like to pat and have him as a pet on your bedside table. The song was slow and emotional, here's where we find the "Let's save the world" message for the first time. What I liked best about him was that adorable accent. Awww <3

2. Dino Merlin (Bosnia): A nice old man singing in both English and Bosnian accompanied on stage by a group of weirdoes playing strings and a Fisher Price keyboard. Special mentions to their choreography, but we have to say that the song couldn't be more obvious. It was some sort of reggae-like tune which was so repetitive that you could have it on repeat for three hours without noticing.

3. A friend in London (Denmark): Yes, I'm still wondering about the name of the band... Instead of entering the ESC they should have taken part in some sort of hairdressing contest, since all their hairstyles were rather creative/eye-catching. The title of the song was "A new tomorrow" (guess what it was about...yeah, exactly!) and it was quite a simple rock ballad.

4. Evelina Sasenko (Lithuania): Ok, it starts getting better. This lady had an AMAZING voice (although after hearing a couple more which were similar, it wasn't that impressive) and sang in three languages: English, French and Sign Language. Nice touch. Her partner on stage was Richard Clayderman's little brother with his piano, which helped make the song perfect for a musical. But we liked it! :)

5. Kati Wolf (Hungary): Her nose was bigger than the dress she was wearing, so it was better to look at her beautiful, long legs than her face. I have to say, though, that the song was perfect for the ESC: some mid-tempo dance with lots of high tones, a couple of dancers doing karate on stage... Yeah, add it to our list of favourites.

6. Jedward (Ireland): I had heard they were fan favourites this year, so I was ready to take my Irish flag with me... But no, unfortunately they were not quite so Irish. We came across Justin Timberlake and his twin brother on speed (which explains their jumping around combined with their robot dance) after putting their fingers into a socket. They must have used a time machine to go back to the 80s and get their outfits. At least the song was really upbeat and funny.

7. Eric Saade (Sweden): The first thing we knew about him was that he used to work for Disney and that his song was called "Popular"... doesn't this remind you all of a certain someone? Yeah, exactly. That guy was the Swedish version of our beloved Justin Bieber. Or perhaps the sixth Backstreet Boy who betrayed the rest of the band to dance in unison with his dancers. His onstage decoration consisted of some sort of Pokéball and the performance included some sort of dramatic number with a glass box. Too bad it worked and he didn't get trapped in there...

8. Getter Jaani (Estonia): Is that Heidi or Alice in Wonderland? Anyways, we'll never know where she stole that horrible pink dress from. We start with a creepy music box and then add some disco beat, plus a lot of vocoder (bleeerrgghh!) and screams. Me no likey.

9. Loucas Yiorkas feat. Stereo Mike (Greece): On the one hand, a typically Greek ballad with male vocals; on the other hand, a rapper. Wow! I never thought I'd say that, but the rap guy had a great voce. They combined Greek and English, which is always good (enough with musical globalisation!) Too make it even more Greek, some columns decorated the background while a bunch of contortionists jumped around. And to make the ending more spectacular, we add some fire. Awwwwesome!

10. Alexej Vorbjov (Russia): When we heard that his producer was the same as Lady Gaga's, we all gasped. Ok, now we know who's gonna win this year's contest... However, we found ourselves face to face with Draco Malfoy dressed up as John Travolta in Grease. His dancing moves were not too different from the Swede's and his voice reminded us suspiciously of pearls of TV like Pop Idol. His pop song contained several subliminal messages (like when the dancers turned around, showing that they could form the word ALEX with the letters they had on the backs of their leather jackets) and lots of fireworks.

11. Amoury Vassili (France): I had no clue Rafa Nadal could sing opera... The song was truly beautiful (as a soprano apprentice, I highly respect anyone who dares to sing classical) and sung in Corsican (YAY! New languages!)... but it was plain to see that he didn't have much to do in such a contest. And I would really like to have a quiet word with whoever decided to dress him up as Napoleon...

12. Raphael Gualazzi (Italy): Now that's what I call a good return. The first comment we heard about him from our great moderator, José María Íñigo was that he was "a true musician" (seriously, today's cucumber goes to that comment... does that mean the rest are fake musicians?!?!) and he was actually right. He was accompanied by a very good swing band and sang half the song in Italian and the other half in English. He certainly wasn't Ray Charles, but his intentions were definitely good. So far our favourite.

13. Anna Rossinelli (Switzerland): Nice voice... too bad it was used for the cheesiest song ever. Perhaps the song itself wasn't that cheesy, but everything was ruined by the bubbles and the cute clouds and rainbows that appeared on the background. The lyrics to the song were really deep and clever, something like "nananana". Her relationship with the high-heeled shoes didn't seem to be too good either... Certainly, there were worse performances, but I kind of get why she was last...

14. Blue (UK): "I Can"... is that some sort of hidden reference to Obama's campaign? After all, they already have the black guy... That was supposed to be Blue's revival, so we got what we could expect from this band: very vocal pop (with good vocals, I should add), all dressed in blue and the black guy showing off his six pack. Not bad at all.

15. Zdob si Zdub (Moldova): Some people take part in this contest to win. Others just do it for fun. The Moldovans clearly belonged to the second group, which earned them our respect and support. All the members of this energetic rock band (except for the guitarists... someone had to headbang, right?) were wearing cones on their heads, including the unicycle-riding fairy who played some sort of trumpet (thank god Nattramn wasn't there!) All I can say is... YIIIIHAAAAAAA!!!

16. Lena (Germany): She certainly had improved her performing skills since the past year. This time she didn't look like she was doing karaoke with her friends. As it usually happens with young female singers, as they become famous, they grow sluttier, and Lena was no exception. The song reminded me of "Fever", but her voice ruined it a little. I sometimes had the feeling that she needed to cough, and that was driving me insane. Besides, she had clearly stolen Lady Gaga's dancers.

17. Hotel FM (Romania): Apparently, their singer was English (is that allowed???) and he looked pretty happy in spite of wearing a vest and Obelix's pants. The song was pretty happy and talked about changing the world with a smile.

18. Nadine Beiler (Austria): I didn't know Whitney Houston had a long lost white sister in Austria. Her outfit and hairstyle reminded me of Chicago, my favourite film. Nadine was alone with her beautiful voice in the middle of the stage, surrounded by smoke until a choir of muses (including a black Big Mamma) turned up to support her. Another great return!

19. Ell & Nikki (Azerbaijan): Ok, Íñigo, we get it - they're no couple in real life! Especially because they guy sounded pretty much like a castratto. He and the lady who accompanied him were dressed in white, just like the band who played on stage with them. As for the song, I'm pretty sure they copied it from Alicia Keys. Seriously, what is it with Azerbaijan and Alicia Keys?!

20. Maja Keuc (Slovenia): What is this, an Alicia Keys imitators' contest? Then this girl must have been her white sister... By far the best voice of the night, not to mention that she was... PHWOOOOARRRR!!!

21. Sjonni's Friends (Iceland): A tender story gave rise to a very friendly band. Apparently, Sjonni was the guy who was going to sing for Iceland, but he died at the attempt. However, his friends and widow decided to finish his work and represent their country. The song was quite happy and they had great voices. It reminded me of Soulsister. The only thing I would have complained about was the outfit... ewww!

22. Lucía Pérez (Spain): I can see that stage name will take her very far... First of all, why the hell did she have to wear a pink dress?!?!? I won't even waste time commenting on the song (you all know my opinion on Spanish songs), but I was curious to see the ethnic touch. Apparently, as the girl is from Galicia, she didn't feel comfortable singing something which clearly sounded typically Southern Spain, so they decided to give it a more celtic touch. Imagine my disappointment when the "celtic touch" was limited to the faraway sound of bagpipes. At least the choreography was okay.

23. Mika Newton (Ukraine): The song started with heartbeats and featured an artist making drawings in the sand and the third (or fourth?) Espenaes sister dressed up as a fallen angel. Or at least that's what we assumed the dry wings meant. The song and the voice were pretty nice, but to be honest, it wasn't too impressive after hearing Slovenia and Austria...

24. Nina (Serbia): She gets a plus for the language and the 60s atmosphere. She had quite a good voice and the girl was very sweet. She reminded me of Soraya, but a lot prettier and more cuddlable. I'm still wondering what the psychedelic spiral at the background represented though...

25. Eldrine (Georgia): FUCK YEAH! It was great to see that metal wasn't completely left out this year. They were all dressed in black and shocking green and had a keyboardist, which automatically wins my heart. It wasn't probably my favourite kind of metal, since they were like a female-fronted version of Linkin Park (black-eyed rapper included), but at least I think they had some kind of grunter. My favourites definitely!

Needless to say, I mainly supported France (15th), Italy (2nd) and Georgia (9th) (although I wouldn't have minded Austria (18th), Slovenia (13th) or Ukraine (4th) either...) Too bad it was Azerbaijan who pulled it off in the end... Oh well, at least it was really enjoyable to watch and a great excuse to spend the evening with friends and snacks. And now, I'll leave you with the winner + my favourite as bonus track. Enjoy!

My courses ended about a week and a half ago. I promise soon there'll be an entry in which I will complain tell you all about them, but you should know that this master's course is far from over. I'll have to hand in a research project (AAARRGGHHH!!!) at the end of May or beginning of June and, before that, I'm spending three weeks teaching German at a school in the heart of Salamanca. And it's turning out to be way more fun than I thought!

I started my internship (if you can call it like this) last week. Of course, I was pretty nervous and kind of scared, even though everyone knows how much I love speaking in public. Yet it turns out I'm the calmest person in the world when I'm standing in front of the class! I thought those 13/15-year-olds would give me a hard time, but it seems like I made a good choice with those groups. Some of them seem really motivated, and even those who are not that good at German have been pretty nice to me. Besides, the teacher gave me quite some freedom to work with them, so we've done a lot of fun stuff, from introducing ourselves to games. I got to choose the topics I'm doing with the older ones (in fact, we've just been working with a Christina Stürmer song and they seemed to love it) and the unit I'm doing with the younger ones (dates and seasons of the year) can be a good excuse to talk about other topics, such as important dates in the history of Germany, birthdays and so on.

All I wanted to say is that I'm really enjoying it. It's ironic to think that when I was little and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer usually was "Anything but a teacher!" Of course, this is not quite a real situation, since they know I'm just learning and they see me almost as one of them because of my age, but it's turning out to be a lot of fun.

Like every ninja-in-training, I know about the existence of five Elements: Earth, Water, Fire, Air and Emptiness. This last one has turned out to be the most useful one. Its lesson is "the best way to come out of a conflict with flying colours, is to avoid that conflict." You can't get hurt if you're not there.

A few weeks ago I was talking about escapism, and this is not totally unrelated. Seems like the terrorist is not yet dead and gone. Although colours are slowly coming back to my eyes, my hate for this world and my pain haven't worn off completely, and I've realized it in the past two days. It might be something physical, but to be on the safe side, I'm gonna try to go back to Emptiness.

To avoid unnecessary drama and conflict, I'm going to start avoiding certain conversations with certain people. I'm not yet ready to let everyone in, especially because not many deserve it. My inner turmoils and my opinions will be kept to myself unless I really feel the urge to get to know the other person and let them get to know me. So if I do more than small talk with you, you'll know I do care.

Making a Spanish omelette is like performing in front of an audience - each time is as exciting and special as (or even more than) the previous one. So here's a pic of today's lunch, which I'm pretty proud of (I managed to turn it by myself without much effort!) Enjoy!

Yes, I made them myself :) See? I can cook sometimes, too.

The 101 Rules Of Female-Fronted Metal
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1. No matter how many members your band has, at least 40% of your promotional photos must be of your female vocalist with no one else in the picture. (We don't have such a thing yet, but I'll take that into account :P)

2. At least an additional 30% of your promotional photos must feature the entire band, but in those shots, the female vocalist must be front and center and the rest of the band must be in the background. (Same as above)

3. At least one promotional photo of the female vocalist must feature her reaching towards the camera in some fashion, whether beckoning, pointing, holding an object of some sort, or just plain holding her hands out. (Get me that rose now)

4. Only the female vocalist is allowed to smile in promotional photos. All other band members must look meditative, disinterested, apathetic, or, better yet, not be looking directly at the camera at all. (Good, because it's hard for me not to smile in pics)

5. While not an absolute necessity, it is recommended you should be Dutch, Italian, Norwegian, or Finnish. Please note this is far less strict than the "if you are a black metal band, you are from Norway, even if you're not" rule. (One of the guys' last name is Italian, so we can play with that... and the black metal thing is SO true!)

6. Never allow yourself to be tagged with just one genre description like "gothic" or "power" or "progressive." Always combine at least two genre descriptions, at minimum adding "symphonic" to one of the others. ("Gothic metal with doom and black touches"... would that be ok?)

7. As a corollary to Rule #6, for best results, make up your own genre description, preferably one which sounds impressive but can't really be defined. (Maybe we should reconsider the "pain metal" thing...)

8. Say in interviews you are sick and tired of everyone comparing you to Nightwish, Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation, and/or Evanescence. (No problem with Nightwish, LC or WT... but if anyone dares to mention Evanescence, they're dead)

9. Privately wish you were as popular as any of them. (Who doesn't?)

10. Dramatic poses are important. Practice them. A lot. (Done)

11. For female vocalists, headbanging while performing live is perfectly acceptable, but if you have long hair, try not to get too close to other band members while doing so lest you whack one of them in the face. (My hair is not yet too long, so it's ok)

12. Change band members frequently. (Does adding new members count?)

13. Whatever band member leaves should shortly thereafter start his or her own group. (If I ever get kicked out or have to leave for some reason, I definitely will)

14. Preferably another female-fronted metal band. This is effectively reproduction by cellular division. (What else?)

15. If it's the female vocalist who goes, make sure whoever replaces her is deemed a "controversial" choice by the fanbase. (Hopefully we won't have to turn to that)

16. Write songs with melancholy subjects centering around pain, tragedy, relationship troubles, and loss. Then... (It's already circling around my mind)

17. While in interviews, express dismay over people calling you "gothic." (Why??? That's what we are!)

18. Your female vocalist must change her outfit at least once during live shows. (I'll try!)

19. The other members of the band may not.

20. Your female vocalist should be...at least temporarily...romantically involved with another member of the band. (Damn it!)

21. Alternately, she can be related to another member of the band. (Well, I've been asked whether one of them is my cousin, does that count?)

22. If she is neither, at minimum try not to let her marry a rich businessman. That would only lead to trouble. (Hope there are not many Capullis around...)

23. Remember: You don't need sex to sell your music. (Done)

24. That said, lingering cleavage shots in music video shoots are still acceptable. (I'll take that into account)

25. So are stage outfits which expose 60%+ of said cleavage. (There's not much cleavage to show, but I will)

26. Furthermore, it is also perfectly acceptable to have a depiction of a nude or scantily-clad woman appear on your album cover. It's artistic. (Sounds good, I'll tell him)

27. If said nude or scantily-clad woman happens to resemble, or better yet be, your female vocalist, so much the better. (Alright!)

28. If Rule #27 is applied, make sure her pose is such that nothing 'naughty' is shown. It's better left to the imagination. (Sure!)

29. Make sure your female vocalist does guest appearances with other bands and projects. Cross-pollination is good marketing. (Does "Clouds" count?)

30. Likewise, see if you can get another female vocalist to do a guest appearance on at least one of your albums. (I'll take that into account)

31. Express dismay in interviews if you are compared to the guest female vocalist from Rule #30. (Done!)

32. Male vocalists should be able to do deathgrowls and/or black metal rasps. (Done!)

33. Not necessarily well. He's not the important one, after all. (Ours is really good at both)

34. If your male vocalist absolutely cannot do deathgrowls or black metal rasps for whatever reason, he can be, at your option, grudgingly allowed to just do clean melodic vocals. (No, thanks)

35. At least until you fire him and hire someone who can to replace him.

36. Regarding Rule #34, see Rule #33.

37. If your female vocalist can actually sing in operatic style, by all means have her do so. (Not yet...)

38. If she can't but thinks she can, let her do so anyway. Just cover it up with the addition of symphonic orchestra parts. (I said I'm not doing it!)

39. Lots and LOTS of symphonic orchestra parts if necessary.

40. The more members of your band, the better. Five is the minimum, but six or seven is preferable. (Done)

41. Eight or more is acceptable if the additional members play something like violins. (Damn! We have to get that guy...)

42. Not that too many people are going to remember the names of any of your band members besides your female vocalist anyway. (It's easy to remember anyway...)

43. Go more mainstream with each successive album. (No, thanks!)

44. Make sure your band name sounds melancholy yet vaguely-defined. (Done!)

45. Or ends in either "A" or "IA." (Where's Morten Veland when you need him?!)

46. If people have to look it up to find out what it means, so much the better. Makes you seem more deep and mysterious. (Done!)

47. If you can sing in operatic style, try to be Tarja Turunen. (Give me a couple of years/months)

48. If you can't but you can still carry a tune and have a voice that is more sultry than sweet, try to be Cristina Scabbia. (Hmm... no)

49. If, on the other hand, you can carry a tune and your voice is more sweet than sultry, try to be Sharon den Adel. (Done!)

50. But please don't wave your arms around in live shows quite so much. (Done!)

51. If you can't do any of the above, gargle with a cup of hydrochloric acid before each show and try to be Angela Gossow. (Angela <3... *drools*)

52. If you follow any of Rules #47-49, while in interviews, express dismay over how people say you're just cloning somebody else. See Rule #8. (Done!)

53. Do not try to be Floor Jansen. You will fail in the attempt. (That'd be blasphemy!)

54. Female vocalists should wear their hair long and straight. This makes it look more impressive when the wind machine blows it around in live shows. (Damn it! Give me a few months until it grows...)

55. Remember: Dramatic. Epic. (Done)

56. No, more dramatic than that. Keep working on it. (A good way to channel my terrorist/emo mood)

57. And more epic! (Okaaay)

58. If you happen to speak a language other than English, write at least one song to be sung in that language. (I'm NOT singing in Spanish, for fuck's sake!)

59. Especially if it's a language most of your potential audience doesn't understand. Makes you seem more deep and mysterious. (German?)

60. Or at least throw in some Latin phrases occasionally. (Boooooring!)

61. Make sure your band logo is easily readable. Unless you are female-fronted death metal or black metal, in which case your logo should still be at least semi-readable. (We don't have one yet)

62. Unless you chose "progressive" or both "progressive" and "power" as part of your genre-description portions back on Rule #6, do not allow your lead guitarist to play solos that go on for any longer than eight bars of music, if any at all. Remember, he's not the important one. (I'll take that into account)

63. See Rule #62 except substitute "keyboard player" for "lead guitarist."

64. See Rule #62 except substitute "drummer" for...okay, you get the point.

65. If you did choose "progressive" as part of your genre-description, please understand you will most likely never be completely accepted by the self-proclaimed "true" prog metal fans. (I wasn't planning to...)

66. But that's all right because they don't completely accept anything that's not a clone of Dream Theater's Images And Words album anyway.

67. Write at least one song to be performed by just your female vocalist accompanied only by acoustic guitar, piano, strings, or any combination of the three. (Sounds good)

68. Conversely, practice at least one cover tune to play live with male vocals only so your female vocalist can take a break and rest her voice. (I'll suggest it)

69. Regarding Rule #68, see Rule #33.

70. Frequently close your eyes when singing live, especially during more melancholy moments. It's more dramatic. (Done)

71. Try not to trip over anything onstage while doing so. (Done)

72. Female vocalists must at least occasionally symbolically reach out towards the audience while singing. (I'll practise that)

73. Open-handed, palm up, specifically.

74. The other band members must settle for throwing the horns or raising fists skyward in classic metal fashion.

75. Do not get a suntan. Ever. (Done!)

76. Twenty-five good words to use in lyrics, album titles, or even band names: Despair, Blood, Cold, Ice, Snow, Frozen, Rain, Rose, Tears, Black, Crimson, Darkness, Hide, Eyes, Blind, Pain, Agony, Silence, Torn, Soul, Drown, Lies, Forsaken, Alone, Apart. (Definitely!)

77. Should you use four or more of the above words in the lyrics of any given song, see Rule #17. (For the second time, we are goth!)

78. Do not ever write a song about beer, partying, or similar frivolous subjects. Remember, you are a serious artist! (Done!)

79. Regarding Rule #78, see Rule #24.

80. Your female vocalist's wardrobe should be at minimum twice as expensive as that of the entire rest of the band put together. (Taking into account how much I've been shopping lately, it wouldn't surprise me...)

81. And custom-designed if at all feasible. (No, we're not that rich)

82. Your female vocalist should be a fan of at least one of the following artists: Tori Amos, Janis Joplin, Kate Bush, Bonnie Raitt, Stevie Nicks, Grace Slick, Björk, Tina Turner, or Ann and Nancy Wilson. (Except for Kate Bush and Tina Turner, the rest bleh)

83. None of the other band members are required to honestly care too much about any of the previously mentioned artists. (Done)

84. With the possible exceptions of Ann and Nancy Wilson, because "Barracuda" is seriously metal.

85. But just to be on the safe side, they should say they are fans...or at least greatly respect those artists...if asked when interviewed. (That will be hard...)

86. If they are ever interviewed, that is.

87. Never say you were the first to do something, because someone might be able to prove you wrong. (Done!)

88. Instead, always say you were one of the first to do something, whatever that something happens to be.

89. If your female vocalist is offered an opportunity to do a photospread for a "men's magazine," she should turn it down. (Done)

90. Unless it's done at least relatively tastefully and it's really more of an interview than a photospread. (Okay!)

91. Not that most of the men who buy the magazine get it for the interviews anyway. (I know)

92. You're not being melancholy enough. Think about something really, really depressing, like the memory of a beloved pet that died suddenly and unexpectedly when you were just a little girl. That ought to help. (I never had a pet, can I think of when Sharon den Adel got pregnant instead?)

93. When filling out the "Sounds Like" section of your MySpace page, always list your own band name first to imply you don't sound like anybody else. (I'll take that into account!)

94. If you do happen to sound a good deal like somebody else, you can mention them in the "Influences" section. (I guess they'll insist on adding Tristania or Cradle of Filth)

95. But only if you think it's absolutely necessary.

96. In any given one of your videos, your female vocalist must at some point be either squatting down, emphatically throwing her arms out to her sides, running her hands over the sides of her face, staring upwards while singing, or any combination of the above. (I always stare upwards subconsciously, so... done!)

97. While not strictly necessary, she should also wear at least two different outfits over the course of the video, even if it is only three minutes long. (Alright!)

98. The other band members, if visible at all, should be playing their instruments with overt, near-violent conviction, no matter how slow the song is. (Done!)

99. None of them should look directly at the camera for more than two seconds at a stretch unless they are delivering male vocals at the time.

100. Remember, no matter how much others may think you look or sound like another band, you know you have your own unique style and you know you want to stand out amongst the crowd. Therefore... (Done!)

101. Never follow all the rules. (More than done!)