Aka. "Destination Anywhere", "The Boy and Girl from County Bavaria"... After a very intense year in Würzburg (Germany), I'm back in Salamanca. I probably won't have that many experiences to write, but there's always an excuse to post a new entry!

11.

The first rays of light filtering through the curtains woke Sharon up. It took her a few seconds to go back to reality. As it dawned on her that she was lying naked next to Kimberly, an arm wrapped around her slender waist, her eyes filled with tears. Panic and melancholy took over. Had she really done that? Had she really slept with her? Although she remembered the previous night perfectly, a part of her wished it had been a dream. Suddenly those elegant sheets felt like a prison; she needed to get out of that bed before Kim could see her crying. But how could she remove her limb from her sleeping friend without her noticing? She stifled her sobs against her pillow. Why did she have to let herself go and make such a stupid mistake?
A few minutes later, the ringing of Kim's alarm clock startled her. The blonde groaned, rolling over to switch it off. She stretched herself languidly, sitting up.
"Morning" she greeted Sharon casually.
"Morning" the brunette forced a smile.
"Wanna have breakfast?"
She considered saying no and just running away as fast as she could, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. The situation was already awkward enough. Moreover, she was rather hungry.
"Yeah, sure" she nodded.
"Alright" Kimberly yawned as she got up "Toast okay?"
"Mhmm."
Both women dressed quickly. Sharon wondered if she was the only one who avoided looking at the other girl in the room. Her own nudity embarrassed her unbelievably; not because she was self-conscious about her body, but it was a much more irrational fear.
Seemingly a hundred years went by until the smell of crispy bread invaded the living-room. In spite of having an array of jams to choose from in the middle of the table, decorating it like a colourful centerpiece, she just took the first one she had in front of her distractedly and spread it apathetically over the toast. She saw from the corner of her eye how Kimberly got up at the sound of the coffee machine. Five seconds of freedom, at least, she sighed.
"Coffee?"
The Dutch girl shook her head. All she wanted was to finish that one piece of toast and leave the place.
"You look so tired..." Kim observed.
"I am. It's still early."
"Yeah. I like to get up early on Saturdays so I can do some shopping."
"I see" Sharon forced herself to singsong.
Her gaze was fixed on the remains of her toast, dark hair protecting her face. She was afraid of breaking down if she looked directly at Kimberly. As soon as she finished eating, she stood up and picked her belongings up. The blonde observed her with a bemused frown.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"Yeah, um, I need to go... because Marco and Johanna don't know I... spent the night out."
"Oh. Well, then... see you later."
"Yeah, see you later!"
She gave her a quick peck on the cheek before hurrying out the door. The blonde sighed. If that was not the most awkward morning after, then she didn't know what would.
Outside, Sharon inhaled deeply. The cool air of the morning against her face was refreshing. Not having to deal with Kimberly was a big relief. However, her soul was still troubled and in pain. Each time she thought of the night before, a stab of shame and guilt pierced her heart. She needed to talk to someone urgently, and only one single person came to her mind.

"Oh, hey Sharon! What a surprise!" Tarja greeted her with a smile.
The brunette was probably the last person she expected to find by her doorstep so early on a Saturday. Sharon chewed on her bottom lip nervously.
"Hello! Can I come in?"
Her listener frowned softly. Seeing the Dutch girl like that, her brown eyes moving in every direction and her fingers toying with the rim of her dress, she got the impression that something was going on.
"Sure!"
Inhaling, Sharon stepped in. Only when Tarja reached around her to close to the door, she spoke.
"I just... needed to talk."
"Oh!" the Finn raised an eyebrow "Of course, come here."
She sat on her leather couch, patting the space next to herself. Dragging her feet, the other woman joined her. For a moment, Tarja considered offering her something to drink, but the way she appeared so anxious made her think that whatever she had to say was urgent. One of the things that caught her eye was the dress she was wearing. Quite elegant for the morning. That, together with the fact that the only make up on her face looked more like the remains of the night before, made her think that she was just coming back from a party that hadn't turned out too well. She watched expectantly as her friend took a deep breath. The poor girl didn't know where to start.
"I just need to talk to someone about it..." she repeated "It's something very personal. Hope you don't mind."
"Aw, of course not, dear!" with a tender, encouraging smile, she gave Sharon's hand a squeeze "Go ahead!"
Rubbing her forehead, the brunette burst into a fast, cryptic speech.
"It's just driving me crazy... I really need to let it out... and I had no-one else to turn to. No-one else will understand..."
"Sharon, calm down!" Tarja stopped her "What is this all about?"
As she didn't know how to explain all she had in her head, Sharon thought that the best would be to just say it clearly. Biting her lip bashfully, she finally confessed:
"I've slept with Kimberly."
That revelation did not seem to have any effect on her friend. With her perfect, thin eyebrows slightly raised, the Finn merely stared at her in silent.
"Alright..." was her only response.
Yet Sharon still looked like she was about to break down any moment. Tarja didn't understand. She had assumed Kimberly and Sharon had been sleeping together for weeks. What was the problem? Was she just trying to make her jealous? Then, a light bulb in her mind was switched on.
"Oh... and you didn't like it?" she wondered "So you need my help to break up with her?"
"No, it's not that" her friend almost whispered "It was my first time... with a woman..."
"Seriously?"
Mentally, she called herself silly for asking such a question. Of course it was her first time! She had been so convinced that Sharon was a lesbian since they had met that she often forgot that the brunette was new to that way of life.
"Oh no!" Tarja exclaimed "You didn't like it and don't know how to tell Kimberly that you're not into women?"
"No, no! Much to the contrary!"
"So you liked it?"
Sharon nodded. The Finn shrugged, smiling a little. Of course, a part of her thought that no matter how good it had been with Kim, she would have given her much more pleasure.
"Well, then that's good for you and Kimberly!"
"No, it's not!" Sharon retorted "It's a mess."
Alright, now she was definitely not making any sense. If everything had gone right, where could the problem possibly be?
"Why?" she asked, frowning.
"Because... it's never happened to me before!"
"Hey, there's always a first time..."
In front of her eyes, the Dutch girl broke into tears. Tarja could not believe it. Blinking astonished, she wondered:
"Sharon? Are you crying?"
"No... not yet" the brunette wiped her eyes.
"But why? What's wrong?"
Sharon gave her an upset look. The expression on her angelic face seemed to say ‘How can you not understand it?'
"I'm not a lesbian. Or I never thought I was. I can't be."
Oh, so that was it! Denial. What a classic! Tarja wondered how she could not recognize it before, as many of her friends had gone through the same. Luckily, she herself never experienced that problem. She reached for the package of tissues lying on the small table next to the couch and gave them to Sharon. Her free hand caressed her friend's shoulder tenderly.
"Well... I think that could be discussed..."
That phrase just made Sharon cry more and harder. Although she was not the diplomatic kind, she sometimes wished she had a bit more tact. But it was already too late to hold her tongue. Wrapping her arms around the other woman, she pulled her close to herself, just wanting to make her feel better.
"Sssh, sweetie, it's fine!"
"It's not fine!" Sharon raised her voice "It's confusing! And scary!"
Sighing on the inside, Tarja held her tighter, rubbing her back. The selfish part of her mind was actually enjoying the closeness. Having Sharon in her arms felt good and comfortable. Yes, she could definitely take better care of her than Kimberly. Nevertheless, it was not the right time to allow herself such thoughts; she had to play the role of a friend and comfort that poor, confused girl.
"How did you find out?" the Dutch girl wanted to know, once she was calmer.
"Find out what?"
"That you were..."
"Oh. I've always known, I guess" the Finn shrugged.
Sharon stared at her, a glimpse of skepticism in her friendly brown eyes. Now they had turned olive green because of the tears.
"Really?"
"Yeah" Tarja nodded "I never had any interest in men. On the other hand, I always noticed when a girl was beautiful."
"And that's all?" the other woman exclaimed "Didn't you feel confused? Or guilty?"
"Why would I?"
"I don't know... I just do."
"Well, you shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with that" Tarja rubbed the back of her neck "It was perfectly natural for me."
"But what about all the social pressure?"
That comment stole a chuckle from the Finn.
"Oh, honey! You know me - I don't usually care about what anyone thinks of me."
"Not even your closest friends or family?"
"They are my friends" Tarja raised her shoulders "They should like me no matter what, just like my family. Well, my dad wasn't happy, but he accepted it in the end. And my mother knew before I knew..."
"I thought you said you always knew" Sharon frowned.
"Weeeell... I always knew I wasn't into men. When you're a kid, you don't even know gay people exist, so I just assumed I'd be alone the rest of my life and would end up living alone with five cats. Then Mia came along..."
"And you just slept with her without noticing?"
"God, no! We were friends, so we sometimes would have sleepovers..." those intense green eyes moved up, remembering the time "And we would be in the same bed and cuddle and kiss. I just noticed that with her I enjoyed doing all those things my friends did with boys and I thought I hated. Then, after a few years, we did have sex."
"And what happened?"
"We told our families, and they were ok... but then she left me when she fell in love with a boy" the Finn sighed.
Sharon's sympathetic nature made her reach out to touch her friend's arm.
"Aw, I'm so sorry!"
"It's fine" Tarja smiled "That's why I don't date bisexuals."
"I understand. But it's so different for me... I've never been into women. I mean, I can tell when a girl is beautiful, but I would have never considered sleeping with them."
"Really?" the Finn exclaimed "Because, I'm sorry to tell you and hope you won't take it bad... but I've seen the way you check girls out sometimes, and no straight woman would do that."
The brunette shrugged awkwardly. Her friend's comment appeared to make her a bit uncomfortable.
"Well, I think women's bodies are very beautiful and nice to look at..."
"But you kissed Kimberly. More than once."
"Kissing is something else!" Sharon toyed with her hair "You can kiss someone and it doesn't have to mean anything..."
"Did kissing Kim mean anything to you?"
"I don't know... she's my friend and I like her. It could be just friendship."
Tarja could hear the fear in her voice. She was nervous. No, nervous was not enough... she was terrified. And Tarja was convinced that if she was so frightened, that was because she had found the right spot.
"Making out is not exactly a friendly gesture, Sharon."
"Well, sometimes friends make out just for fun! It's not such a big deal!"
She didn't notice she was raising her voice, which was starting to crack. Now Tarja was even more convinced that she was on the right track. If Sharon was so scared and having more difficulties to make up counterarguments, that could only mean one thing - she was finally realizing that she was right. What was still left to do was find a way to make the Dutch girl accept it for once and for all.
"Hey, relax!" Tarja's voice softened "It's not like I was judging you. But just tell me one thing - did you enjoy making out with her?"
"Well, yes..." Sharon rubbed the back of her neck, avoiding eye contact "But making out is always exciting."
The Finn let out a sigh. If you don't stop dodging the issue, I won't be able to help you, she thought.
"Did you like kissing her?"
"Yeah..."
"Better than kissing a man?"
"Tarja! That's unfair!"
"Just answer the question."
The brunette inhaled. Much to Tarja's satisfaction, the uptight expression on her face was slowly disappearing.
"Well... she was more gentle... and sweet..."
Bingo! The Finn smiled knowingly. She could feel the ice melting.
"What do you feel for her?"
"Tarja!"
"Just answer the question."
Silence. Then, running a hand through her beautiful dark hair, eyes on the floor, she replied:
"I honestly don't know. I love having her around. I really like her, you know?"
"Do you love her?"
"How am I supposed to know that?" Sharon stared at her.
"I don't know. Would you... risk your life for her?"
One of Sharon's eyebrows arched skeptically. She had gone too far.
"Right, that's a bad cliché" Tarja bit her lip "Let's see... do you think of her often?"
"Well, I do, but I think about all my friends very often..."
"You know what I mean. Do you miss her when she's gone?"
With her eyes tightly shut, she nodded. Seeing her fighting the tears once more almost broke the Finn's heart. Was she being too cruel? All she wanted was to help her friend...
"Mhm, I see. Does it hurt you to picture her making out with someone else?"
A nervous shrug was Sharon's response.
"Why would I?" she wondered with a shaky voice "It's not like we were really a couple or something like that; we've just been dating for a month, just experimenting around..."
Tarja interpreted the way she had spoken, in fits and starts, as a sign that she was getting close to the root. And the way those big brown spheres were moving into every direction, avoiding her, was one more clue.
"Do you wish you were?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"She's my friend!" Sharon whined.
"Forget about all the moral aspects for a moment. Would you like to be more than friends with her?"
Not wanting to answer the question, the brunette shrugged yet one more time. The Finn decided that the moment had come to try a different way to get through to her.
"Ok" she sighed "What about the sex? Did you like it?"
If looks could kill, she would have dropped dead that very minute. Yet Tarja stood her ground.
"That's not helping, dear. And I can't do anything else for you if you're not honest to me."
"Alright" Sharon took a breath "You know what? That's exactly the problem... I liked it. Very much."
That was all she needed to know. With her heart racing, she took both her friend's hands, gazing deep into her eyes. She swallowed hard before pronouncing the trickiest question of all.
"Did you enjoy sleeping with her more than with men?"
Instead of running away screaming or yelling at her offended, Sharon narrowed her eyes, thinking. The Finn was pleasantly surprised by this change in her attitude.
"Well..." the Dutch girl began "With men... it was never too good. There was always something missing. I didn't feel really cared about, you know? But last night with her it was different. It just felt so amazing, so magic. I didn't need to say anything; she just knew where and how to touch me... and so did I."
Tarja nodded. She could absolutely relate to every emotion Sharon had described when talking about making love to a woman. Caressing and squeezing her hands softly, she said, watching her words carefully:
"Sweetie, I'm sorry to put this so bluntly... but you're not straight. At least not completely."
Like she would have predicted, Sharon began crying again, harder than before. Her friend held her, letting her use her shoulder. She could sense her shaking in her arms.
"What am I gonna do now?" she hiccupped.
"It's ok" Tarja rocked her "There's nothing wrong with that. Now you both can just... start a proper relationship if that's what you want."
"I can't..."
"Why not?"
"It's too much for me... I couldn't deal with that."
"Why not?"
Sharon raised her head to see her friend's face, whose arms were still around her. The greenish shade of her eyes, instead of hope, showed sheer desperation.
"Because I do care what people think! Do you know how shocking it'll be for those who know me?"
"Or maybe not. Some people might surprise you."
"I'm scared..."
"Sssh, it's ok. We all are at the beginning. It'll get better with time."
"No, it won't. I won't let it happen again."
A sigh escaped the Finn's mouth.
"Shaaaron, you can't do that."
"Yes. I. Can."
Tarja shook her head.
"You've tried and liked it. Trust me - no matter how hard you try, you won't see women the same way again. You can't fight your true self."
"Then I wish I had never done it!" Sharon broke the embrace angrily.
"Hey! Why?"
"Because... it's gonna change my life! And I don't want it to change. I'm happy the way things are. It was just a mistake."
"You can see it as a mistake... or you can see it as the best choice you've ever made. Maybe that's what you had always wanted, but you just didn't know."
Her words seemed to make her think for a moment. She blinked softly and, after a while, she replied:
"But that's impossible! I always wanted a family, Tarja. I wanted to get married and pregnant."
"Well, you can also do that with a woman" the other girl pointed out.
"But I don't want to... it's wrong..."
The Finn put her hands on her hips, glaring at her friend. Comments like this always managed to insult her.
"Why is it wrong? The important thing in a family is love. Why would it be wrong if two people who love each other, whatever their gender is, got together and had children they loved and cared about? Just because some assholes would look down on them?"
Feeling guilty for having offended her friend, but still too proud to apologize, Sharon looked away. In her head, however, she was going over and over what Tarja had just said. The other woman took her chin in her hand, forcing her to make eye contact, and moved closer to her.
"I'm sure that's not the way you are. It's just your fear talking. You're just not making any sense! And I understand it - you're scared. It's always hard when you realize that you're different from everyone else. But society is far more open-minded nowadays..."
"No, that's not it" the brunette sighed, gazing down "I'm not worried about society. I'm worried about my family and friends... and myself. I don't recognize myself."
"You're just shocked" Tarja gave her a friendly smile "And confused. It's only natural. But please, don't shut Kimberly out. I know for a fact that she really likes you, and you guys have great chemistry; why let it all go to waste? You're not hurting anyone, are you?"
Sharon didn't respond, but Tarja could tell that she had made her reconsider it all. The way she was staring at her, biting her lip, indicated that she still needed some reassurance.
"You're gonna be just fine" the Finn rubbed her arm tenderly "You worry too much."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course! Besides, the fact that you love Kimberly doesn't automatically make you a lesbian. Maybe you're simply bisexual" she tried her best not to pronounce that word with a certain disdain "Who knows, maybe one year from now you'll be with a man. Just give yourself the chance to explore."
After a long pause, Sharon shook her head again.
"I'm scared."
"Don't be. You'll see it's not such a big change, after all. Those who love you will still see you the way you are and stand by you."
"I hope you're right..."
"I know I am right."
Sharon wiped the last tears that remained. Her friend was glad to see her calmer.
"I'm just afraid of losing the people I care about."
"Well, if you do, then you need to change your circle of friends" Tarja chuckled gently, trying to light up the mood "And you can be sure to count on at least one of them."
Knowing exactly what she meant, the brunette's lips curled into a sincere smile. Definitely, visiting Tarja had been a great idea.
"Thank you so much. For everything."
"Hey, that's what I'm here for" the Finn smiled back. She opened her arms once more and added "Come here!"