Aka. "Destination Anywhere", "The Boy and Girl from County Bavaria"... After a very intense year in Würzburg (Germany), I'm back in Salamanca. I probably won't have that many experiences to write, but there's always an excuse to post a new entry!

29.

One more bit of melting wax fell on the plate where the candle stood. The tiny flame had already consumed the half of it; she didn't want to think of how long she had spent there. She couldn't get to sleep, so in the end she had decided that it was useless to stay in bed. Not wanting to wake her partner up, she hadn't turned any lights on. The TV was off. A candle was her only entertainment; watching it burn felt somehow soothing. Besides, she had always thought there was something hypnotic about fire. Probably because at that moment she could oddly identify herself with the object.
It was unusually cold for a summer night, so she had wrapped a blanket around herself. She was sitting on the armchair in by the coffee table, embracing her knees, just staring blankly and enjoying the silence that surrounded her. Her thoughts, however, kept going somewhere else.
"Liv?" she heard a voice whisper behind herself.
She didn't turn. She didn't want to.
"I was worried" Tarja continued "I woke up and you weren't there..."
A guilty smile played across the blonde's lips. Yet Tarja wouldn't see it.
"Couldn't sleep" she explained softly.
It was sweet to see how the Finn cared so much about her, she couldn't deny it. However, a part of her was slightly annoyed that someone had disturbed her solitude.
Tarja's fingers were stroking over her exposed arm gently. It gave her shivers. The green-eyed woman was on her knees, next to her. She could feel her breath on the side of her neck.
"I was missing you" the brunette whispered sweetly "Why don't you come back to bed?"
Liv didn't reply. In fact, she didn't even look at her girlfriend. She was too lost in her thoughts to notice the other woman searching her face.
"Is something wrong, dear?" Tarja frowned, still caressing the Norwegian's arm.
Her heart skipped a beat. The last thing she wanted was Tarja to think there was something weird going on. Inhaling gently, she finally looked at her lover and squeezed her hand.
"I'm fine" she smiled "Just go back to sleep. I'll be there with you soon."
"Alright" the Finn pecked her lips lovingly before standing up again "I'll be waiting" she singsonged as she walked away.
Once she was out of sight, Liv rubbed her forehead. She had just lied to her girlfriend, and she hated herself for that. Yet it was better for her to think that everything was just fine. It was just a white lie. After all, nothing had happened yet, so technically everything was indeed ok...

Liv wasn't the only insomniac on that night. A certain redhead had been awake for hours, crying as silently as she could. She didn't want Flo or Sharon to wake up, but she couldn't stay in bed any longer. She felt trapped between those sheets. Barefoot, she began to walk around the house in the darkness. She moved slowly, avoiding any noise. Only the wooden floor creaked slightly beneath her feet. At least it wasn't much; lucky that the house was rather new.
Her teary eyes didn't let her see clearly. The gloom was still impenetrable for her, so she had to be very careful. She repressed a cry of pain as her toes hit something. Her hands found the handrail. Holding tightly onto it, she began walking down the stairs, her feet feeling each step cautiously. After what seemed forever, she finally got to the ground floor. At least down there she could turn the lights on without disturbing anyone.
She took a dive on the couch, looking around at the empty living-room. Empty like her womb, was the first thing that came to her mind. The thought instantly made her cry more. She had had to leave her apartment because everything reminded her of the baby, but the truth was that getting out hadn't helped at all. Wherever she was, there were adverts for diapers, happy children playing around, pregnant women... Therefore, she had stopped going out. She didn't want to leave Sharon and Flo's apartment, which appeared to be the only safe place in the world. At least her lesbian friends didn't talk about pregnancies.
Her doctor kept telling her that it was all in her head. It was her obsession which made her see babies everywhere. She kept saying that it was normal; the miscarriage was still recent. What she needed, according to the therapist, was to let it all out. Her friends would understand and be supportive. Suppressing her emotions would just slow her recovery down, she had warned her. Nevertheless, Johanna was a reasonable girl. If it was a friend of hers going through all of that, she could imagine that she would comfort her and listen to her for hours and hours... for the first days. After over a week, she would probably be tired of hearing stories about hospitals and dead children. She didn't want to annoy her friends. Sharon was already suffering, she could tell, and she knew it was because of her.
At least Marco didn't have to see her like that anymore. Trying not to cry in front of everyone else was already hard enough. It was different with Marco. He was going through the very same as she was. It was impossible not to cry when he was around. They were, after all, partners in crime. And yet he was the very person she really shouldn't show her tears to. It would destroy him. Knowing how happy he had been since he got the news that he was having a child... Would he hate her for ruining his big chance? Would he blame her for losing the baby? It was her fault after all...
No matter what she did, her thoughts kept going back there. Even in the few hours she had managed to sleep, horrible nightmares tormented her. All she wanted was to get rid of the pain. She needed to move, to distract her mind somehow, so she tiptoed into the kitchen. Maybe a glass of water would help her see everything more clearly. As she was filling it, her eyes came to rest on a knife. Flo had bought some meat on that afternoon and had been using it to cut it before freezing it.
A fleeting thought ran through her head as she drank. She had often heard that many people cut themselves when they were suffering. Apparently, replacing emotional pain by physical pain was a widely used strategy. Could it work with her too, maybe? She put her half-empty glass aside and grabbed the knife by the handle, contemplating it hypnotized. The blade, was almost as big as her forearm, and shone in quite an appealing way. Besides, it was very sharp. Probably the slightest touch would make her bleed. It was exactly what she was looking for.
Meanwhile, a slightly sore throat woke Flo up. Her mouth was completely dry. Stretching her arm, she felt her way on the bedside table. She released a groan. In spite of knowing how often she needed to drink, she had forgotten to take a bottle to bed. Careful not to wake Sharon up, she headed downstairs to get some water. However, what she saw as soon as she set foot in the kitchen made her forget what she had gone there for. Johanna had a carving knife and her other hand was dangerously close to the blade...
"What are you doing?!" she exclaimed.
Giving a start, Johanna turned around. Instinctively, she let the knife fall on the counter.
"Nothing" she replied "I... just..."
"Good, because anyone would have thought you were about to use that knife to harm yourself" the taller woman crossed her arms in front of her chest, staring at the other girl.
Johanna tried to find an excuse, but it was useless. There was nothing else she could possibly be doing at four in the morning with such a knife. And just to think what she was about to do if Flora hadn't stepped into the kitchen, a terrible sense of shame took over her. Feeling vulnerable, she couldn't help but break into tears.
"I'm sorry" she sobbed "I just wanted to..."
"I know what you were trying to do" Flo nodded "You know what? Let's just go to the living-room?"
The giantess took the glass of water and almost pushed the younger woman into the living-room. Yet she didn't seem angry with her. Her face showed true concern. After sitting down and having a sip, Flo began talking.
"Why were you trying to do such a thing, Johanna?"
With a sigh, the redhead dried her tears with her fingers. She didn't dare to look at her listener as she spoke.
"I just... I'm in so much pain. So I thought..."
"You're not one of those" the other woman whispered, shaking her head "I've had to deal with a bunch of mental people in my life, and I know how their heads work. They don't even reason, they simply cut themselves because they feel that they need to. You're a smart girl. You know hurting yourself won't solve your problems."
Johanna kept staring at the floor. Everything Flo was saying was right. Probably, in any normal situation, she wouldn't have even thought of doing that.
"Don't try to be like them" Flora continued "You're much stronger."
The redhead shook her head.
"I'm not" she said weakly.
"Yes, you are" the other insisted.
Finally, the Austrian looked up. She was still crying.
"If I were, I would already be over this whole thing."
"No, no, no, you're absolutely wrong" Flo explained "Being depressed is not a sign of weakness. It's something perfectly natural. After what you've been through, if you weren't the least bit sad, that wouldn't mean you're strong. That would mean you're not even human."
Perhaps it was true, the redhead thought. Inhaling, she wiped some more tears away.
"Why can't I stop thinking about it?"
"Anyone in your place would be just like you. Getting over losses is really tough."
"I wish I could just forget about it" Johanna sighed.
"You can't. You'll probably remember this your whole life, but you can learn to live with it. We've all gone through situations in which we thought we would be destroyed forever. Yet these moments in life are the ones that make us stronger."
"How?"
"With time" Flo replied "You need time to accept what has happened. Having someone to count on is always helpful, too."
Johanna's face saddened.
"I'm completely alone in this."
That comment caught the giantess by surprise. What did she mean by that?
"You're not alone at all! We're all here for you, and you know it."
"But who am I supposed to talk to?" the young girl cried "You all have better things to do than hear me whine."
Flo gasped. She seemed to have a very distorted vision of reality. Sadly, she knew that was one of the effects depression could have.
"How can you say that?! We are your friends. If you need to talk about it, we'll be happy to listen to you. Keeping it to yourself is not a good idea."
The younger woman shook her head once more.
"Sharon is just as sad as I am. I know her. She would probably end up crying even more than me."
On the inside, Flo couldn't help but smile. Clearly, her friends knew each other very well.
"I know. But you still have me. I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but I'm a good listener. And I'm also good at giving hugs when they are needed."
Something faintly resembling a smile appeared on Johanna's face. Proud of herself, Flo continued.
"You know what? I know it might sound like a cliché, but remembering all the positive things you have in life is also a good idea to get over sadness. Whenever you feel down, just think of all the things that make you happy. You're a beautiful, young girl with a whole life ahead. You have a lot of friends who love you and will always be there to make you smile. Not to mention that you have a great boyfriend who adores you. And next year you'll be done with your studies and probably get a great job, because I've heard you're really smart and love what you do. What happened to you is just a small thorn between many roses."
The Austrian remained silent for a moment, processing all she had just heard. She had been told similar things before, but Flo spoke with such honesty that it was impossible not to believe her. Although she was still crying, she threw herself into the other woman's arms, embracing her.
"Thank you, Flo. Thank you."
Flo smiled into the hug. Hopefully, her words would have helped the poor girl.