Aka. "Destination Anywhere", "The Boy and Girl from County Bavaria"... After a very intense year in Würzburg (Germany), I'm back in Salamanca. I probably won't have that many experiences to write, but there's always an excuse to post a new entry!

33.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror once more and could barely recognize the girl she saw. Letting her roommate do her hair and makeup had definitely been a good idea. What she needed was a change, and she had succeeded in that. Apart from that, she had to admit that the fishnet shirt she had borrowed from her new friend looked pretty good in combination with that denim miniskirt she hardly ever wore. Hello to the new Johanna, she thought to herself with a smile as she left the bathroom and headed downstairs.
It was only her first week on campus and there had already been three parties. This one, however, as her roommate had told her, was the big one. Everyone, or at least everyone worth hanging out with, would be there. It had started a couple of hours before in the common hall, but nobody wants to be punctual in such events. So following the other girl's advice, she waited for a reasonable time to cross the patio.
The chilly air of late September filtered through the holes in her shirt, but she didn't care. It wasn't that cold anyway. Before going in, she looked inside through one of the large windows. The slightly muffled sound of live music came to her ears, and indeed she saw a young rock band playing on stage. Many students were dancing to them, while others were drinking or chatting in groups. She soon spotted her roommate and her friends; she knew a few of them. In any case, she hoped this would be a good chance for her to meet new people.
Before walking in, Johanna took a lighter and a pack of cigarettes out of her purse and put one in her mouth. She was still getting used to smoking, so she soon felt dizzy. For some reason, she found it pleasant. She stood outside a for a while, watching the spirals she exhaled, like hypnotized. Once she felt it was enough, she put it out with the sole of her high-heeled boot and finally joined the party.

"A dollar for your thoughts."
That phrase took her back to reality. Only then did Liv realize that she had been toying with her fork and the same piece of spinach pie for ages. She cursed her nonexistent acting skills. Was it so obvious? Or did Tarja just really know her too well?
"Oh, it's nothing" she smiled shyly "I'm just a bit tired. It's been a hard day at work, you know."
"I'm sure you'll feel better after the nice bath that's waiting for you" the Finn winked. She pointed with her fork to her girlfriend's plate as she asked "How do you like dinner, by the way?"
"It's really good. I think you've outdone yourself."
Tarja smiled. On the inside, Liv sighed in relief. She was being honest, but that was exactly what was bothering her. The special decoration that welcomed her home after work instantly made her feel guilty. As much as she enjoyed how spontaneous and creative her girlfriend was, she hated her for preparing that surprise evening. She didn't deserve it.
Opposite her on the table, the Finn continued observing her while she ate. She had been acting a bit strange in the past few weeks, distant and less enthusiastic than usual. Whenever she had tried to talk to her, the beautiful blonde had put on a smile and told her it was nothing. Obviously, there was something going on, but she had assumed that it had nothing to do with her. She trusted Liv, who had always been sincere to her.
"You know what? I was waiting for the end of the evening, but you seem tired, so I think it'll be better to do it now" the brunette snapped her fingers and stood up "I know something that could energize you."
Raising an eyebrow questioningly, the Norwegian followed her with her gaze. She saw Tarja take something from a shelf, but she couldn't see what it was. Nevertheless, the loving smile she gave her and the way she kneeled next to her made her heart skip a beat. No, that couldn't be happening...
When Tarja took her hand with such sweetness, she could almost feel the tears. All she could do was hope and pray it wasn't what it seemed.
"Liv Ester Isaksen" she began "These past six months we've spent together have been one of the happiest times in my life. I just want to thank you for every single smile you've made me crack, for all the wonderful nights you've given me, and most of all for being so amazing. You've made me a better person, and I don't want this to end."
As she pronounced the last words, she opened her other hand, revealing a tiny box. It was exactly what it seemed. Liv wanted to die at the very sight of it, especially when she saw the beautiful golden ring that was inside.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Liv" Tarja whispered with an excited smile, offering her the jewel "Stay with me."
That was more than she could take. Instead of saying anything, she closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath. She had let it all go too far, and there was only one thing she could do.
"I'm so sorry, Tarja" she shook her head "We need to talk."
Shocked and puzzled by that reaction, Tarja closed the box again. The Norwegian stood up from her chair with a harsh sigh and motioned for her to sit down on the couch next to her.
"I can't marry you" she replied "I shouldn't."
"Why not?" the Finn took both her hands "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
She had her doubts about it. Tarja wouldn't take it well. Well, who would? If only she hadn't waited so long... Liv felt disgusted with herself, but she couldn't put it off any longer.
"A few months ago" she explained "My boss hired a new girl to help with the bookshop. We got along pretty well from the beginning. Sometimes I even had the feeling that she was flirting with me, but I thought it was just as a joke, so I played along" she made a pause and sighed "Three days ago she kissed me."
"But that's fine, honey" the brunette slid a bit closer to her on the couch, still caressing her hands "You know I don't care too much about such things..."
"It's not only that" Liv confessed, barely above a whisper "I... I have feelings for her" the first tears began rolling down her pinkish cheeks "I tried to convince myself that it was just friendship, maybe just attraction... The thing is that all the times I flirted with her I really meant it deep down and hoped she wasn't joking either. I didn't even tell her I had a girlfriend."
Tarja removed her hands from hers. Liv didn't dare to look at her. However, her voice didn't sound upset when she spoke.
"Well, it might just be a crush" she said "You haven't slept with her, have you? Perhaps if you did, you'd realize that it's not such a big deal after all."
Was she telling her to have sex with her coworker? Liv frowned gently. The Finn took it as a sign that she should explain it.
"Yeah, you know, sometimes we feel some sort of chemistry with someone and tend to idealize them. But then, when we get closer to them, it turns out it's not what we wanted. So maybe if you had sex with this girl, the attraction would go away."
"That won't work" the blonde shook her head no, crying harder "It's not only physical."
"It's fine, dear" encouragingly, the brunette rubbed her girlfriend's arm "Don't cry. I'll admit that I'm not happy to hear that you're falling for someone else, but as long as you still want to be with me..."
The way Liv's gaze dropped said it all. Her girlfriend's expression changed from a sympathetic smile to a narrow-eyed frown.
"You... do want to be with me, don't you?"
There was a note of fear in her voice. Liv bit her lip hard, hesitating whether to speak or not.
"I'm so sorry, Tarja" was all she could say "This is just so complicated. I don't know what I want at the moment. You've been great to me and I really like you, but... hearing you saying all those beautiful things that you want to be with me for life, I realize that my feelings for you have... decreased..."
"Decreased?!" the other woman blinked.
"When we started dating this second time, you were a real sweetheart. You were very caring, but still strong and independent. But with time I've had the feeling that you've become... I don't know, sort of clingy" she hated herself for saying it, but she continued either way "Look, I'm not saying you've done something wrong. I know you just wanted me to feel needed, but... I'm just not like that. It terrifies me to feel that someone depends on me. And you've changed. It's as though you had started acting like someone you're not just to please me."
"No, I haven't changed just to please you, Liv... You've changed me."
The blonde kept shaking her head. Her cheeks were still wet and reddish from the crying. And the Finn was about to tear up as well. So she was leaving her? The one woman in the world she had been willing to commit to had just rejected her? Rage and frustration were growing inside her...

On the other hand, Johanna's evening had turned out pretty well. The drinks at the party were surprisingly cheap, so she had already had a few and they were already kicking in. She felt rather dizzy, but not in an unpleasant way. The artificial sensation of warmth gave her the feeling that she was somehow sheltered from all the wrong in the world. Nothing could hurt her. It was all laughter and music. She and her new friends - her roommate's, actually - had been rocking out to the college band that was playing, dancing like there was no tomorrow. It had been a while since she had last laughed that hard, and she wasn't sure whether it was because of the alcohol or whether those guys were really so much fun.
"We're going out for a smoke, are you coming?" one of the boys said to her.
"Sure" she slurred slightly as she grabbed her purse and followed them out through the crowd.
It'd be nice to get some air, since it was starting to get rather hot inside. Nevertheless, when she made it out of the hall, she couldn't find any of her friends. Too tired to look for them, she thought it'd be a better idea to wait for them next to the door, her back resting against the wall. They would come back sooner or later. Someone else's voice made her look up. It was a boy. He needed a lighter. She let him borrow hers. The truth is that he wasn't unattractive at all, so she decided to have a chat with him.
A while later she didn't remember what they had been talking about anymore except for the usual small talk. He lived upstairs from her and studied Medicine. His name was James... Or Jack. She hadn't understood anyway. All that mattered was that he was a great kisser. The way he devoured her lips so passionately and pushed his tongue against hers turned her on. Or perhaps it was the fact that they were making out in the middle of the dance floor, which she hadn't done in ages. Only when he dared to slide a finger into her underpants it occurred to them that it was time to continue the party upstairs.
The next day, after blurry drunken night, a wave of sickness woke her up. She was in a bed that was not hers, but all the campus rooms were built similarly, so it didn't take her long to find the bathroom. After letting it all out, she washed herself with cool water in front of the mirror. She hadn't realized until that moment that she was completely naked. Thank god she had started taking the pill, she thought. There were still traces of makeup on her face and some lovebites on her neck and chest. Caressing one of the stains in her skin, she couldn't help but smile at her reflection. Finally, she felt alive.