Aka. "Destination Anywhere", "The Boy and Girl from County Bavaria"... After a very intense year in Würzburg (Germany), I'm back in Salamanca. I probably won't have that many experiences to write, but there's always an excuse to post a new entry!

33.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror once more and could barely recognize the girl she saw. Letting her roommate do her hair and makeup had definitely been a good idea. What she needed was a change, and she had succeeded in that. Apart from that, she had to admit that the fishnet shirt she had borrowed from her new friend looked pretty good in combination with that denim miniskirt she hardly ever wore. Hello to the new Johanna, she thought to herself with a smile as she left the bathroom and headed downstairs.
It was only her first week on campus and there had already been three parties. This one, however, as her roommate had told her, was the big one. Everyone, or at least everyone worth hanging out with, would be there. It had started a couple of hours before in the common hall, but nobody wants to be punctual in such events. So following the other girl's advice, she waited for a reasonable time to cross the patio.
The chilly air of late September filtered through the holes in her shirt, but she didn't care. It wasn't that cold anyway. Before going in, she looked inside through one of the large windows. The slightly muffled sound of live music came to her ears, and indeed she saw a young rock band playing on stage. Many students were dancing to them, while others were drinking or chatting in groups. She soon spotted her roommate and her friends; she knew a few of them. In any case, she hoped this would be a good chance for her to meet new people.
Before walking in, Johanna took a lighter and a pack of cigarettes out of her purse and put one in her mouth. She was still getting used to smoking, so she soon felt dizzy. For some reason, she found it pleasant. She stood outside a for a while, watching the spirals she exhaled, like hypnotized. Once she felt it was enough, she put it out with the sole of her high-heeled boot and finally joined the party.

"A dollar for your thoughts."
That phrase took her back to reality. Only then did Liv realize that she had been toying with her fork and the same piece of spinach pie for ages. She cursed her nonexistent acting skills. Was it so obvious? Or did Tarja just really know her too well?
"Oh, it's nothing" she smiled shyly "I'm just a bit tired. It's been a hard day at work, you know."
"I'm sure you'll feel better after the nice bath that's waiting for you" the Finn winked. She pointed with her fork to her girlfriend's plate as she asked "How do you like dinner, by the way?"
"It's really good. I think you've outdone yourself."
Tarja smiled. On the inside, Liv sighed in relief. She was being honest, but that was exactly what was bothering her. The special decoration that welcomed her home after work instantly made her feel guilty. As much as she enjoyed how spontaneous and creative her girlfriend was, she hated her for preparing that surprise evening. She didn't deserve it.
Opposite her on the table, the Finn continued observing her while she ate. She had been acting a bit strange in the past few weeks, distant and less enthusiastic than usual. Whenever she had tried to talk to her, the beautiful blonde had put on a smile and told her it was nothing. Obviously, there was something going on, but she had assumed that it had nothing to do with her. She trusted Liv, who had always been sincere to her.
"You know what? I was waiting for the end of the evening, but you seem tired, so I think it'll be better to do it now" the brunette snapped her fingers and stood up "I know something that could energize you."
Raising an eyebrow questioningly, the Norwegian followed her with her gaze. She saw Tarja take something from a shelf, but she couldn't see what it was. Nevertheless, the loving smile she gave her and the way she kneeled next to her made her heart skip a beat. No, that couldn't be happening...
When Tarja took her hand with such sweetness, she could almost feel the tears. All she could do was hope and pray it wasn't what it seemed.
"Liv Ester Isaksen" she began "These past six months we've spent together have been one of the happiest times in my life. I just want to thank you for every single smile you've made me crack, for all the wonderful nights you've given me, and most of all for being so amazing. You've made me a better person, and I don't want this to end."
As she pronounced the last words, she opened her other hand, revealing a tiny box. It was exactly what it seemed. Liv wanted to die at the very sight of it, especially when she saw the beautiful golden ring that was inside.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Liv" Tarja whispered with an excited smile, offering her the jewel "Stay with me."
That was more than she could take. Instead of saying anything, she closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath. She had let it all go too far, and there was only one thing she could do.
"I'm so sorry, Tarja" she shook her head "We need to talk."
Shocked and puzzled by that reaction, Tarja closed the box again. The Norwegian stood up from her chair with a harsh sigh and motioned for her to sit down on the couch next to her.
"I can't marry you" she replied "I shouldn't."
"Why not?" the Finn took both her hands "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
She had her doubts about it. Tarja wouldn't take it well. Well, who would? If only she hadn't waited so long... Liv felt disgusted with herself, but she couldn't put it off any longer.
"A few months ago" she explained "My boss hired a new girl to help with the bookshop. We got along pretty well from the beginning. Sometimes I even had the feeling that she was flirting with me, but I thought it was just as a joke, so I played along" she made a pause and sighed "Three days ago she kissed me."
"But that's fine, honey" the brunette slid a bit closer to her on the couch, still caressing her hands "You know I don't care too much about such things..."
"It's not only that" Liv confessed, barely above a whisper "I... I have feelings for her" the first tears began rolling down her pinkish cheeks "I tried to convince myself that it was just friendship, maybe just attraction... The thing is that all the times I flirted with her I really meant it deep down and hoped she wasn't joking either. I didn't even tell her I had a girlfriend."
Tarja removed her hands from hers. Liv didn't dare to look at her. However, her voice didn't sound upset when she spoke.
"Well, it might just be a crush" she said "You haven't slept with her, have you? Perhaps if you did, you'd realize that it's not such a big deal after all."
Was she telling her to have sex with her coworker? Liv frowned gently. The Finn took it as a sign that she should explain it.
"Yeah, you know, sometimes we feel some sort of chemistry with someone and tend to idealize them. But then, when we get closer to them, it turns out it's not what we wanted. So maybe if you had sex with this girl, the attraction would go away."
"That won't work" the blonde shook her head no, crying harder "It's not only physical."
"It's fine, dear" encouragingly, the brunette rubbed her girlfriend's arm "Don't cry. I'll admit that I'm not happy to hear that you're falling for someone else, but as long as you still want to be with me..."
The way Liv's gaze dropped said it all. Her girlfriend's expression changed from a sympathetic smile to a narrow-eyed frown.
"You... do want to be with me, don't you?"
There was a note of fear in her voice. Liv bit her lip hard, hesitating whether to speak or not.
"I'm so sorry, Tarja" was all she could say "This is just so complicated. I don't know what I want at the moment. You've been great to me and I really like you, but... hearing you saying all those beautiful things that you want to be with me for life, I realize that my feelings for you have... decreased..."
"Decreased?!" the other woman blinked.
"When we started dating this second time, you were a real sweetheart. You were very caring, but still strong and independent. But with time I've had the feeling that you've become... I don't know, sort of clingy" she hated herself for saying it, but she continued either way "Look, I'm not saying you've done something wrong. I know you just wanted me to feel needed, but... I'm just not like that. It terrifies me to feel that someone depends on me. And you've changed. It's as though you had started acting like someone you're not just to please me."
"No, I haven't changed just to please you, Liv... You've changed me."
The blonde kept shaking her head. Her cheeks were still wet and reddish from the crying. And the Finn was about to tear up as well. So she was leaving her? The one woman in the world she had been willing to commit to had just rejected her? Rage and frustration were growing inside her...

On the other hand, Johanna's evening had turned out pretty well. The drinks at the party were surprisingly cheap, so she had already had a few and they were already kicking in. She felt rather dizzy, but not in an unpleasant way. The artificial sensation of warmth gave her the feeling that she was somehow sheltered from all the wrong in the world. Nothing could hurt her. It was all laughter and music. She and her new friends - her roommate's, actually - had been rocking out to the college band that was playing, dancing like there was no tomorrow. It had been a while since she had last laughed that hard, and she wasn't sure whether it was because of the alcohol or whether those guys were really so much fun.
"We're going out for a smoke, are you coming?" one of the boys said to her.
"Sure" she slurred slightly as she grabbed her purse and followed them out through the crowd.
It'd be nice to get some air, since it was starting to get rather hot inside. Nevertheless, when she made it out of the hall, she couldn't find any of her friends. Too tired to look for them, she thought it'd be a better idea to wait for them next to the door, her back resting against the wall. They would come back sooner or later. Someone else's voice made her look up. It was a boy. He needed a lighter. She let him borrow hers. The truth is that he wasn't unattractive at all, so she decided to have a chat with him.
A while later she didn't remember what they had been talking about anymore except for the usual small talk. He lived upstairs from her and studied Medicine. His name was James... Or Jack. She hadn't understood anyway. All that mattered was that he was a great kisser. The way he devoured her lips so passionately and pushed his tongue against hers turned her on. Or perhaps it was the fact that they were making out in the middle of the dance floor, which she hadn't done in ages. Only when he dared to slide a finger into her underpants it occurred to them that it was time to continue the party upstairs.
The next day, after blurry drunken night, a wave of sickness woke her up. She was in a bed that was not hers, but all the campus rooms were built similarly, so it didn't take her long to find the bathroom. After letting it all out, she washed herself with cool water in front of the mirror. She hadn't realized until that moment that she was completely naked. Thank god she had started taking the pill, she thought. There were still traces of makeup on her face and some lovebites on her neck and chest. Caressing one of the stains in her skin, she couldn't help but smile at her reflection. Finally, she felt alive.

32.

"Hmm... massage oil. I would add that to the list" Angela suggested.
Tarja nodded in agreement and wrote it down on the piece of paper. She went through the shopping list once again.
"The decoration is ready" she muttered "I also have everything I need for dessert, aromatic candles for the bath, massage oil... Oh, wait! I forgot the cheese! I think the spinach pies will taste better with some cheese sauce."
"It would definitely sound delicious if I weren't allergic to spinach" Angela commented, giving Tarja a joking half-smile.
The Finn whacked her arm playfully and tore the sheet of paper out. Her friend and neighbour rested her elbow on the table.
"So, what's the occasion?" she wondered, looking from the list to the green-eyed woman.
"Six-month anniversary" the brunette replied.
"Don't you guys usually make a big fuss of special dates, no matter how many months have gone by?"
"Oh, this time it's going to be particularly special."
Before Angela had time to question her, Tarja had already got up. She carefully took one of the books from the living-room shelf and fumbled on the space it had left until she found what she wanted. Then, she put the book back to its place and took the box to Angela. The blonde raised an eyebrow.
"What is this?"
Instead of saying a word, the Finn opened the box. Her friend's blue eyes became twice their size as she saw it - a beautiful, golden ring.
"Oh my god! Are you serious?" she exclaimed.
"Totally" Tarja nodded.
Once she got over the initial shock, Angela swallowed. Popping the question was quite close to the top on her list of things she would never expect the Finn to do, only preceded by sleeping with a man and moving back to Finland.
"Wow... isn't it a bit too early for this, though?" she asked "I mean, you've only been dating for six months..."
"Well, we dated for almost a year the first time" Tarja retorted, closing the small box "So technically it's not that early. Besides, Liv and I are in love and know each other very well. I think it's quite appropriate, actually."
"Sorry to sound like a party pooper, but you are aware that gay marriage is not legal here, right?"
"Silly Angela! Of course I know!" she giggled "It's more like a symbol, you know? I just want to tell her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Or else we can always spend a couple of days in Connecticut" she added with a grin.
"I'm honestly starting wonder if you're possessed or something" was Angela's response "Are you sure about this all? It's so... unlike you."
"I know it sounds rushed, but I don't think I had ever felt so sure about anyone. Do you know this kind of instant chemistry when you can understand the other person with just one look? Or when you feel that not even the tightest hug would be enough to feel them close?"
"The only chemistry I know is the one between me and a bottle of beer" the blonde joked.
Rolling her eyes, Tarja caught the hint and headed for the kitchen. She was also thirsty herself, so it wasn't such a bad idea.
"By the way, how did you become so cheesy?" Angela joked, following her "If this girl is brainwashing you, I really think you should consider it."
"Jerk" the Finn narrowed her eyes as she closed her hips to push the fridge closed "That wasn't cheesy, it was romantic!" she handed Angela the bottle "You'd understand it if you ever allowed yourself to go on a second date with someone."
Her lower back resting against one of the counters, the lawyer smiled casually. She took a sip of beer before defending herself.
"Hey, I am romantic. I know there's more to a relationship than sex. There are also free dinners, presents and then the possibility of more sex."
She could barely finish the phrase without laughing. Tarja shook her head and went back to the living-room.
"You know I was just kidding" Angela smiled as she sat back down at the table where they were before "I think Liv is a lovely lady, so if you are really sure about it, you guys totally have my blessing. Just had to make sure you're not rushing into things."
"Thank you for being so caring."
"Nah, you won't like me that much when I start sending you pics of hot Thai ladies to show you what you're missing" the blonde teased.
Seeing the puzzled frown on the Finn's face, Angela decided to explain it further. She tucked some blond waves behind her ear.
"You know I'm off next month, and just today I bought my plane tickets."
"Oh, so it's Thailand this year, then?"
"Yay. Sexual tourism, here I come!" the lawyer grinned "Too bad you can't come with me because you're embracing monogamy."
"You're going to annoy me with that forever, aren't you?" Tarja rolled her eyes playfully and had a sip of her beer.
"Nope, just a week more. I'm flying next Saturday. Then you'll be free for about a month. I want you to tell me everything about how your special night with Liv went though! And if you decide to have a big wedding in the end, I hope you're not celebrating it before I'm back!"

He couldn't believe he had made it in little more than ten minutes. In fact, he had been driving so fast that he almost had an accident. Luckily, his excitement only cost him a few middle fingers lifted at him.
Finally, after not hearing from her directly for a month, he had received a phone call from Johanna. Marco was beside himself with happiness, not only because she clearly sounded like she was feeling better, but also because she wanted to see him. So right after hanging up, he took his car and drove to Sharon's, looking forward to his girl.
As he looked over to his rearview mirror, he realized he was smiling like a reflex. In his head, he couldn't stop anticipating how everything would develop. She would probably greet him with a hug, and then apologize for not having called him herself. He would tell her he understood that she was going through a lot of pain. Then she would say she had missed him and they would kiss. After catching up for a while, she would go to the guest bedroom and pick her stuff up so they could go back home together. Once there, neither of them could resist the joy of being together again and they would end up making love passionately, telling each other "I love you" right after the final climax and falling asleep together, like in the early days.
He stepped out of the car, his heart racing. She was just on the other side of that wooden door. He could already see her smile, those green eyes looking at him lovingly. Excitedly, he rang the doorbell. He didn't even have to wait three seconds before she answered. Clearly, she had been waiting for him.
"Hello!" she said.
"Hello!" he replied with a happy smile.
And as he had predicted, they hugged each other tightly. With her head on his shoulder, he couldn't help but feel her scent. She smelled as lovely as usual.
Marco pulled away slowly so that he could give her a tender kiss. Nevertheless, the girl turned her face seemingly in the last second. He frowned. Was something wrong...?
"Let's sit down" she said cheerfully, taking his hand and leading him to the couch.
The Swede followed her. As bewildered as he was by her reaction, he didn't ask any questions. Nodding gently, he showed her that he was listening and she could start.
"I've missed you a lot" she began, which made him crack a smile "I'm sorry for not calling at all since I moved here, but I didn't want to speak to you until I was fully recovered. After all, you've been going through hell as well, and the last thing you needed was to hear me going on and on about it."
"No, it's ok, I understand" he replied "I missed you too."
He laced his fingers with hers tenderly. Johanna didn't respond to the gesture. All she did was watch their hands and swallow.
"I'm happy that you're feeling better" Marco squeezed her hand.
"Me too."
Her eyes were still fixed on their hands, but there was something sad in her expression. Slowly, Marco released her hand, beginning to wonder whether he had done something wrong. The girl spoke before he could say anything.
"I've been thinking a lot about my life, Marco - what I want to do, what makes me happy, about us... With all that's been going on, I've realized that I need some changes."
He felt his pulse accelerating. Changes? That didn't sound good...
"I'm not going back home" she continued "But I'm not staying here either. I think I need to be independent. You see, you and Cristina are adults, so I always feel like I'm being taken care of. It's time for me to be someplace where no-one can shield me from making mistakes or trying new experiences."
She took a breath. Marco narrowed his blue eyes, confused. What was she talking about? He had always given her absolute freedom to do whatever she liked.
"I believe I need to be surrounded by people my age. For the past year, we've been living like we were married. I haven't had the chance to do something immature, something crazy, in a long time. That's why I've decided to move to one of the campus apartments. I want to know what it's like to live with fellow students."
Marco couldn't believe what he was hearing. In his head, it made no sense. He and Johanna might be 19 years apart, but they had always understood each other perfectly. She had often said that she liked older people better than, for example, her classmates. Why the sudden change of heart? What difference would it make?
"Why?" he wanted to know.
"I know it sounds strange" this time it was her turn to take his hands, smiling reassuringly "But this whole story has opened my eyes. I almost became a mother, Marco. I almost gave up my youth way too early. This made me wonder what I might have been missing" she gazed deep into his eyes "This is not about you. You're the greatest man I've ever met and I will treasure each moment we've spent together. I just need to explore. Life is too short to skip parts on the way. Of course, we will still be best friends..."
So she was breaking up with him. A part of him had just been stabbed and was bleeding. Yet he couldn't be mad at her. As he processed all the things she had said, he realized that he understood her. She was right, after all. A young student in a foreign country should be out there having fun with her friends, not hanging out with a bunch of people who had already been through everything that could be new for her. It pained him terribly to let her go, but he just had to, no matter how much he loved her.
"I understand" he nodded seriously, not a trace of pain on his calm face "Then I guess this is goodbye..."
"It's not goodbye" she corrected him "Like I said, our friendship means a lot to me and I don't want to lose it. We'll see each other before you know."
"Alright. Then see you soon."
Smiling, she pulled him closer and gave him a friendly hug. No matter what she had said, to him it still felt like farewell, so he did his best not to get lost in her scent this time. It's over, a voice in his head said. He broke the embrace soon, knowing it wouldn't be a good idea to linger in her arms more than necessary, like friends do.
"Hope your new home is a nice place" he said before walking out the door "I wish you all the best."
"I wish you all the best, too" she agreed "See you, Marco."
He waved at her as he stepped out. There was no anger, no drama, not a bad reaction. Head bowed, he walked back to the car, keeping his cool. Only once he got in, did he let his pain show. He burrowed his head into the steering wheel, eyes tightly closed. There were no tears, at least not on the outside. Sighing sadly, he opened the glove compartment and had a look at the tiny box he was hiding there. What the hell was he thinking?! Knowing it would only make him feel worse, he stopped staring and closed the compartment again before driving off.
Cristina had just finished hanging the banner when she heard his keys on the door. Perfect timing, she thought to herself smiling. She jumped down the chair where she was standing, ready to shout "Surprise!" as soon as they walked in... But all her excitement faded as soon as she saw him. It was Marco alone, no trace of Johanna. Besides, she could immediately tell that something wasn't right. And the way his eyes became glassy at the sight of the phrase hanging above them - "Welcome back, Johanna!" - confirmed it. She gave him a questioning look, and all he did was shake his head.
"I'm so sorry, Marco!" she winced.
Quickly, she stood back up on the chair and removed the banner. The Swede sat down on the couch, devastated.
"What did she say?" Cristina asked carefully, joining him on the couch.
Before answering, he took a deep breath, as though he didn't even have the energy to tell the story. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper, almost emotionless. That gave her a shiver, for it was a clear sign that he was about to tear up.
"She needs some space" he narrated "She's moving to some campus apartment because she wants to be with younger people and explore a different way of life."
"Aww, I see" the Italian rubbed his arm in a friendly way "I guess she needs a change of scene to forget this whole thing."
"That's exactly what she said..."
He kept staring ahead, arms crossed in front of his chest. To Cristina, it looked like he was trying to protect himself. She hesitated whether to ask the next question or not.
"How do you feel?"
Finally, he turned his face to look at her. His expression showed no emotion, but it was plain to see that he was miserable on the inside.
"I guess I should have seen it coming" he merely said "After all the pain I've caused her..."
"Don't say that. None of this was your fault. You didn't get her pregnant on purpose, did you?"
"I know" the blond sighed "Still, I should have known it wouldn't last. A beautiful, educated young girl doesn't belong with a chubby carrier in his forties."
"Don't underestimate yourself" Cristina frowned softly "You're an attractive man, and you're not just some dumb truck driver, Marco. You know a lot about the world because you've travelled and experienced many things by yourself."
"That means nothing. She was too good for me anyway."
"Don't you dare to say that!" at that moment, he realized that the stereotype about Italians being fiery was indeed true, judging by Cristina's body language and how loud and passionately she spoke "I really like Johanna, but trust me, it's her loss. You could give her way more than any kid her age would, and you probably did. She's just confused and probably needs time to clear her mind. Don't blame it on yourself."
"Even so, I couldn't support her when she needed me most..."
A stray tear had begun rolling down his cheek. Cristina's heart melted at the sight of it. Losing his child and the woman he loved in the space of two months... She wanted to hold him, to tell him that none of that was his fault.
"You did your best."
"And that wasn't enough" he sighed "Don't try to cheer me up, Cristina. I was a fool for thinking that things could work between us. We have different needs" he turned to look at her, and the slight shade of red on his face almost made her want to cry "Wanna know something ridiculous? I bought her a ring. I was going to propose in the car once we had put all her stuff in the trunk. In fact, I was going to ask her to marry me after the trip, but decided to put it off because of the miscarriage. I thought it wasn't the right time. Well, of course it wasn't! It will never be!"
She had always known he loved Johanna, but only now did she realize how much he actually did. Even though she understood why the girl felt the urge to get away, if she had been there, she would have yelled at her for breaking that poor man's heart.
"That's not ridiculous" she murmured "I think it's really beautiful. Honestly, Johanna doesn't know what she's giving up on. Many women would die to have someone like you."
"A whiny idiot who's desperate to do things before it's too late?" he smiled wryly.
"No. A sensitive, caring man who would do anything to make the woman he loves feel special. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm not saying this to cheer you up - that's really how I see you, Marco."
For a moment, the Swede seemed to forget his pain. He narrowed his eyes to Cristina; not out of anger, but as though he was studying her. She wasn't intimidated by his gaze at all; she kept the contact, giving him a smile he couldn't really decipher. Suddenly he saw her in a different light. Like a magnet, his face moved closer and closer to hers, and it seemed to be mutual. And that was the first, but not the last kiss they both shared...

31.

The skies were still a strong shade of orange, almost red. It was early in the morning, and she could feel the cold stinging the exposed parts of her body. Yet she would get warm soon. Johanna tried to remember the last time she had gone jogging. She liked to do it at least a couple of times a week, but the pregnancy and later her depression had forced her to stop.
She remembered it had been a couple of weeks after her birthday, in mid-spring. It wasn't that hot back then, so she had gone for a run in the afternoon. However, the strong summer sun had forced her and Flo to choose a different time - it was almost nine in the morning! Before stretching her legs, Johanna couldn't hold back a yawn.
"Do tell me if you get too tired, ok?" Flo told her.
The redhead nodded and they both set off. Soon she was left a few meters behind by the taller woman. No wonder she was going so fast, she thought as briefly heard the loud, aggressive music playing on Flo's iPod as she ran past her. The giantess stopped a few meters later and turned to her with an apologetic smile.
"Sorry, I'm not used to doing this with someone else" she explained "I usually try to run as fast as I can for as long as I can, that's how I do it. I'll try to go with you."
"No, it's fine. You can continue" Johanna said "I used to go faster before, but you know, it's been a while..."
"It's just normal. It takes time to get used to it again."
Right after saying that, Flo turned off her iPod, rolled the headphones around it and put it in her pocket.
"Let's just go together, ok? I don't mind at all."
She didn't want Johanna to feel overwhelmed or inferior. But apart from that, she thought it could be a good chance to have a chat with the younger girl. The redhead seemed to be slowly getting better. Now that she was beginning to be herself again, she wanted to get to know her.
Both girls jogged together a few laps. The park was all their own, as most people probably hadn't got up yet in such a lazy summer day. After not having exercised in weeks, along with the conversation, Johanna was soon breathless. She excused herself and sat on a bench while Flo continued a while more, this time at her own pace, listening to music at the same time. Her brown ponytail was swinging a bit violently from side to side. Knowing what her soundtrack was, Johanna smiled to herself at the image. She could perfectly picture her headbanging at a concert.
Flo had run about four more laps when she decided to stop. She looked tired but satisfied, as though it was some sort of stress reliever for her. Her face was so red that it almost looked purple, which was weirdly cute.
"Ok, I'm done" she announced breathlessly "How about we slowly walk back home?"
"Alright" Johanna nodded as she stood up.
The day had already become warmer and they were no longer alone in the area. It looked like the city had finally woken. Flo wiped some sweat from below her bangs and then drank some water from the small bottle she was carrying.
"To be honest, I haven't run in a while either" she confessed "Everything has been a bit hectic lately, so I didn't have much time. But I really needed it."
"Yeah, it's funny how this kind of stuff makes you feel free" Johanna commented "I go to the gym quite often during the semesters. It's a great way to relax."
"What do you do?"
"Hmm... mainly spinning or aerobics, but I like dancing too."
"Ugh, dancing!" Flo grimaced "Don't mention it! I used to be a dancer when I was... well, a bit younger than you, and I hated it."
"Yeah, Sharon told me. She actually showed me pictures of the two of you."
"God, no!" it was hard to tell whether Flo had blushed or not, since her face was still red, but anyone could see that she was embarrassed.
"Come on, it didn't look that bad!" Johanna grinned "A bit slutty, but you do have a nice body to show off."
"I looked horrible in those clothes, if you can call them like this at all. I mean, it really doesn't suit me. I already feel weird in normal dresses..."
"Yeah, well, I don't wear dresses that often either. Only in summer. When I go to work or university, I need to feel comfortable."
"I understand. I just never feel like myself in dresses or skirts, you know? I've tried to be feminine, but I'm just not cut out for it."
Johanna looked Flo up and down. Even in a t-shirt and shorts she seemed pretty attractive.
"I don't think you're boyish at all" she said "In fact, it's stupid to think that all women have to wear makeup everyday and..."
Johanna trailed off. A few meters away from them, a woman was walking her baby in a stroller. She was young, probably not even five years older than herself. Like hypnotized, her gaze remained fixed on the baby. A perfect, healthy little child. Her eyes followed them as they passed them by. Time seemed to stop. She could hear Flo saying something at the back of her mind, but she couldn't understand a word she was saying. Suddenly, she burst into tears.
"I'm sorry" she sniffled.
At first sight, Flo didn't know what had got into her younger companion. Then she noticed the young mother walking away from them and understood it immediately. She had dealt with depressed people before and knew at some stages even the smallest things could set them off. Gently, she led Johanna to a nearby bench. Before talking to her or touching her, she gave her some space and moments to cry all the tears she needed to release.
"Sorry... I just... couldn't help it" she hiccupped.
"It's fine" Flo placed an arm on her back, comforting her.
"I wish I could be her..."
"But why?"
The redhead frowned. She didn't seem to understand what Flo meant by that. In fact, it even looked as though she was offended.
"She has a beautiful child. Mine died. Why wouldn't I be jealous?"
It was hard for Flo to repress a snort. She considered herself to be a sensitive, understanding person. Nevertheless, that whole story was too much for her to take.
"Well... maybe because you have a life?"
The younger girl's green eyes turned into question marks.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Look, Johanna, I know it's a huge trauma to lose someone you love. But it seems like you haven't listened to me at all" she sighed "It's not the end of the world. I understand that you're still getting over it, so everything seems to remind you of what happened. But please, there's a lot more to life than that. I could tell you a thousand reasons to be happy and I'm sure they outnumber your reasons to be sad."
"You just don't understand me" the Austrian protested "Have you ever gone through something like this? Well, then don't try to give me advice!"
Flo rolled her eyes. She was a patient woman, but her urge to help those she cared about was too strong. Besides, few things annoyed her more than those she wanted to help rejecting her efforts.
"Hasn't it ever occurred to you that it might not have been the right time?" she burst out.
"There's no such a thing as the right time or the wrong time" Johanna retorted weakly.
"Seriously, Johanna, would you really like to give up everything you've worked so hard for your whole life for an accident?"
Her listener slid away on the bench, shocked by her words. Letting her hair loose, Flo took a deep breath before continuing. There was a reason why that particular topic touched her rather deep. Yet she decided to calm down so as to explain it coherently.
"Have I ever told you about my best childhood friend?" she asked, more softly. Johanna shook her head "Her name was Alissa. She was a great girl - straight A student, beautiful, a good friend, always up for a laugh... When we were seventeen, she started dating that guy... I don't remember his name. Anyway, the thing is that a few months after they started seeing each other, she got pregnant. Her family was rather conservative, so she decided to marry him and have the baby. She couldn't graduate because her son was born in the middle of the semester and it was really hard for her to keep up with school while taking care of him. Her husband also had to give up studying and started working. We didn't see each other for a few months, but they both seemed pretty happy, so I didn't worry about her. Then, about a year later, she called me crying in the middle of the night. Apparently, her boyfriend couldn't take the pressure anymore and they had broken up. So she was alone with a child, no job and no money at 18. My parents allowed me to take them in for a couple of weeks, then she moved back to her family's until her son started school" the giantess made a pause and had one more look at Johanna "Before this whole thing started, she wanted to study Medicine in New York. She would have probably got a scholarship because she was really clever. Instead of that, she had to settle for a job like Sharon's and a tiny apartment for herself and her kid in the same village where we used to live, so that she wouldn't be too far away from her parents in case she needed anything."
"But that wouldn't have happened to me" the Austrian replied "Marco really wanted a baby. He would have helped me."
"I'm not doubting him at all. My point is that having a child when you're still very young could ruin your life. A baby is a huge responsibility. Do you have an idea what you'd miss if you had one?"
"Well, having your dream job is not everything..."
"I'm not just talking about work" Flo contradicted "I'm talking about hanging out with your friends, learning new things, travelling... For example, even if Alissa left her son with her parents, she almost never wanted to go clubbing with us because she knew she'd be too tired the next day. That isolated her from our group of friends. Now imagine your baby had been born. You would have been at home all the time, either taking care of it or working on your thesis. For at least a year, you would barely see your friends except for Marco and Cristina as long as you lived with her. Of course, Sharon and I would have been glad to babysit if you needed us, just like I'm sure the rest of your friends would be. Still, your whole life would be built around your child. Perhaps instead of being a tour guide in a museum, as you wanted, you might have to be an Art teacher because of the schedule or simply because you need the money. You might not be able to have a movie night with Sharon on Friday because the next day you have to take your son to his football training and Marco has to drive somewhere on that weekend."
"You always have to sacrifice certain things for those you love" Johanna shrugged.
"Sweetie, do you have an idea how many things you will have to sacrifice in life?" Flo took her hands. There was a passionate sparkle in her eyes "You'll have enough time for that when you're older! Why don't you try to enjoy your early years as long as you can? Sharon always comments how mature and responsible you are. That's certainly positive, but just don't overdo it, ok? You're twenty-one; don't try to live like you were forty!"
"I'm not living like I were forty!" she frowned.
"Really? When was the last time you partied with your friends until the morning? Or how long has it been since you last went on a trip for fun? You can see your loss as a horrible, depressing situation or as a second chance. An opportunity to enjoy your freedom and do anything you've always wanted to do. If you really want to have kids, you will when the moment has come. Meanwhile... just live your life!"

29.

One more bit of melting wax fell on the plate where the candle stood. The tiny flame had already consumed the half of it; she didn't want to think of how long she had spent there. She couldn't get to sleep, so in the end she had decided that it was useless to stay in bed. Not wanting to wake her partner up, she hadn't turned any lights on. The TV was off. A candle was her only entertainment; watching it burn felt somehow soothing. Besides, she had always thought there was something hypnotic about fire. Probably because at that moment she could oddly identify herself with the object.
It was unusually cold for a summer night, so she had wrapped a blanket around herself. She was sitting on the armchair in by the coffee table, embracing her knees, just staring blankly and enjoying the silence that surrounded her. Her thoughts, however, kept going somewhere else.
"Liv?" she heard a voice whisper behind herself.
She didn't turn. She didn't want to.
"I was worried" Tarja continued "I woke up and you weren't there..."
A guilty smile played across the blonde's lips. Yet Tarja wouldn't see it.
"Couldn't sleep" she explained softly.
It was sweet to see how the Finn cared so much about her, she couldn't deny it. However, a part of her was slightly annoyed that someone had disturbed her solitude.
Tarja's fingers were stroking over her exposed arm gently. It gave her shivers. The green-eyed woman was on her knees, next to her. She could feel her breath on the side of her neck.
"I was missing you" the brunette whispered sweetly "Why don't you come back to bed?"
Liv didn't reply. In fact, she didn't even look at her girlfriend. She was too lost in her thoughts to notice the other woman searching her face.
"Is something wrong, dear?" Tarja frowned, still caressing the Norwegian's arm.
Her heart skipped a beat. The last thing she wanted was Tarja to think there was something weird going on. Inhaling gently, she finally looked at her lover and squeezed her hand.
"I'm fine" she smiled "Just go back to sleep. I'll be there with you soon."
"Alright" the Finn pecked her lips lovingly before standing up again "I'll be waiting" she singsonged as she walked away.
Once she was out of sight, Liv rubbed her forehead. She had just lied to her girlfriend, and she hated herself for that. Yet it was better for her to think that everything was just fine. It was just a white lie. After all, nothing had happened yet, so technically everything was indeed ok...

Liv wasn't the only insomniac on that night. A certain redhead had been awake for hours, crying as silently as she could. She didn't want Flo or Sharon to wake up, but she couldn't stay in bed any longer. She felt trapped between those sheets. Barefoot, she began to walk around the house in the darkness. She moved slowly, avoiding any noise. Only the wooden floor creaked slightly beneath her feet. At least it wasn't much; lucky that the house was rather new.
Her teary eyes didn't let her see clearly. The gloom was still impenetrable for her, so she had to be very careful. She repressed a cry of pain as her toes hit something. Her hands found the handrail. Holding tightly onto it, she began walking down the stairs, her feet feeling each step cautiously. After what seemed forever, she finally got to the ground floor. At least down there she could turn the lights on without disturbing anyone.
She took a dive on the couch, looking around at the empty living-room. Empty like her womb, was the first thing that came to her mind. The thought instantly made her cry more. She had had to leave her apartment because everything reminded her of the baby, but the truth was that getting out hadn't helped at all. Wherever she was, there were adverts for diapers, happy children playing around, pregnant women... Therefore, she had stopped going out. She didn't want to leave Sharon and Flo's apartment, which appeared to be the only safe place in the world. At least her lesbian friends didn't talk about pregnancies.
Her doctor kept telling her that it was all in her head. It was her obsession which made her see babies everywhere. She kept saying that it was normal; the miscarriage was still recent. What she needed, according to the therapist, was to let it all out. Her friends would understand and be supportive. Suppressing her emotions would just slow her recovery down, she had warned her. Nevertheless, Johanna was a reasonable girl. If it was a friend of hers going through all of that, she could imagine that she would comfort her and listen to her for hours and hours... for the first days. After over a week, she would probably be tired of hearing stories about hospitals and dead children. She didn't want to annoy her friends. Sharon was already suffering, she could tell, and she knew it was because of her.
At least Marco didn't have to see her like that anymore. Trying not to cry in front of everyone else was already hard enough. It was different with Marco. He was going through the very same as she was. It was impossible not to cry when he was around. They were, after all, partners in crime. And yet he was the very person she really shouldn't show her tears to. It would destroy him. Knowing how happy he had been since he got the news that he was having a child... Would he hate her for ruining his big chance? Would he blame her for losing the baby? It was her fault after all...
No matter what she did, her thoughts kept going back there. Even in the few hours she had managed to sleep, horrible nightmares tormented her. All she wanted was to get rid of the pain. She needed to move, to distract her mind somehow, so she tiptoed into the kitchen. Maybe a glass of water would help her see everything more clearly. As she was filling it, her eyes came to rest on a knife. Flo had bought some meat on that afternoon and had been using it to cut it before freezing it.
A fleeting thought ran through her head as she drank. She had often heard that many people cut themselves when they were suffering. Apparently, replacing emotional pain by physical pain was a widely used strategy. Could it work with her too, maybe? She put her half-empty glass aside and grabbed the knife by the handle, contemplating it hypnotized. The blade, was almost as big as her forearm, and shone in quite an appealing way. Besides, it was very sharp. Probably the slightest touch would make her bleed. It was exactly what she was looking for.
Meanwhile, a slightly sore throat woke Flo up. Her mouth was completely dry. Stretching her arm, she felt her way on the bedside table. She released a groan. In spite of knowing how often she needed to drink, she had forgotten to take a bottle to bed. Careful not to wake Sharon up, she headed downstairs to get some water. However, what she saw as soon as she set foot in the kitchen made her forget what she had gone there for. Johanna had a carving knife and her other hand was dangerously close to the blade...
"What are you doing?!" she exclaimed.
Giving a start, Johanna turned around. Instinctively, she let the knife fall on the counter.
"Nothing" she replied "I... just..."
"Good, because anyone would have thought you were about to use that knife to harm yourself" the taller woman crossed her arms in front of her chest, staring at the other girl.
Johanna tried to find an excuse, but it was useless. There was nothing else she could possibly be doing at four in the morning with such a knife. And just to think what she was about to do if Flora hadn't stepped into the kitchen, a terrible sense of shame took over her. Feeling vulnerable, she couldn't help but break into tears.
"I'm sorry" she sobbed "I just wanted to..."
"I know what you were trying to do" Flo nodded "You know what? Let's just go to the living-room?"
The giantess took the glass of water and almost pushed the younger woman into the living-room. Yet she didn't seem angry with her. Her face showed true concern. After sitting down and having a sip, Flo began talking.
"Why were you trying to do such a thing, Johanna?"
With a sigh, the redhead dried her tears with her fingers. She didn't dare to look at her listener as she spoke.
"I just... I'm in so much pain. So I thought..."
"You're not one of those" the other woman whispered, shaking her head "I've had to deal with a bunch of mental people in my life, and I know how their heads work. They don't even reason, they simply cut themselves because they feel that they need to. You're a smart girl. You know hurting yourself won't solve your problems."
Johanna kept staring at the floor. Everything Flo was saying was right. Probably, in any normal situation, she wouldn't have even thought of doing that.
"Don't try to be like them" Flora continued "You're much stronger."
The redhead shook her head.
"I'm not" she said weakly.
"Yes, you are" the other insisted.
Finally, the Austrian looked up. She was still crying.
"If I were, I would already be over this whole thing."
"No, no, no, you're absolutely wrong" Flo explained "Being depressed is not a sign of weakness. It's something perfectly natural. After what you've been through, if you weren't the least bit sad, that wouldn't mean you're strong. That would mean you're not even human."
Perhaps it was true, the redhead thought. Inhaling, she wiped some more tears away.
"Why can't I stop thinking about it?"
"Anyone in your place would be just like you. Getting over losses is really tough."
"I wish I could just forget about it" Johanna sighed.
"You can't. You'll probably remember this your whole life, but you can learn to live with it. We've all gone through situations in which we thought we would be destroyed forever. Yet these moments in life are the ones that make us stronger."
"How?"
"With time" Flo replied "You need time to accept what has happened. Having someone to count on is always helpful, too."
Johanna's face saddened.
"I'm completely alone in this."
That comment caught the giantess by surprise. What did she mean by that?
"You're not alone at all! We're all here for you, and you know it."
"But who am I supposed to talk to?" the young girl cried "You all have better things to do than hear me whine."
Flo gasped. She seemed to have a very distorted vision of reality. Sadly, she knew that was one of the effects depression could have.
"How can you say that?! We are your friends. If you need to talk about it, we'll be happy to listen to you. Keeping it to yourself is not a good idea."
The younger woman shook her head once more.
"Sharon is just as sad as I am. I know her. She would probably end up crying even more than me."
On the inside, Flo couldn't help but smile. Clearly, her friends knew each other very well.
"I know. But you still have me. I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but I'm a good listener. And I'm also good at giving hugs when they are needed."
Something faintly resembling a smile appeared on Johanna's face. Proud of herself, Flo continued.
"You know what? I know it might sound like a cliché, but remembering all the positive things you have in life is also a good idea to get over sadness. Whenever you feel down, just think of all the things that make you happy. You're a beautiful, young girl with a whole life ahead. You have a lot of friends who love you and will always be there to make you smile. Not to mention that you have a great boyfriend who adores you. And next year you'll be done with your studies and probably get a great job, because I've heard you're really smart and love what you do. What happened to you is just a small thorn between many roses."
The Austrian remained silent for a moment, processing all she had just heard. She had been told similar things before, but Flo spoke with such honesty that it was impossible not to believe her. Although she was still crying, she threw herself into the other woman's arms, embracing her.
"Thank you, Flo. Thank you."
Flo smiled into the hug. Hopefully, her words would have helped the poor girl.

28.

The atmosphere during dinner reminded Flo of her family events since she had come out. Most of her relatives, except for her sister Erin and a few more, hadn't accepted her sexuality, so all their get-togethers were rather tense. Now there were no aunts making critical comments about her appearance and saying that she would find a man more easily if she only wore a dress from time to time or her grandfather telling her that she would go straight to hell, but just a young girl who had just lost her child. Johanna had been staying with them for about three days, and there seemed to be a taste of sadness in the air since she had moved in. There was hardly any conversation at the table. Whenever Sharon or Flora herself tried to do some small talk, she would only answer in monosyllables. Empathetic as she was, she could understand that the redhead was probably still too shocked and too depressed to speak to anyone, while at the same time she feared breaking down in front of them. Marco had mentioned that she was still seeing a therapist, so hopefully those sessions would help her unburden herself and feel better.
However, what wasn't helping at all was Sharon's attitude. She appeared to be almost as affected by the situation as Johanna herself. On the other hand, she was determined to mask it by giving her excessive attention - constantly asking the poor Austrian how she was doing, not leaving her alone a minute if it was possible, not letting her do anything on her own... While Flo could understand her, it was making her sick. And it was a few days later, right after Johanna had said goodnight and retreated to her room, when the giantess's honesty had to come to the surface.
"You should really stop doing that" she whispered to Sharon.
"Doing what?" the Dutch girl frowned.
"Crying in front of her."
The pretty brunette blinked, as though it was all Greek to her.
"What do you mean? I didn't cry in front of her. You have no clue how difficult it is for me to hold back the tears, but I do!"
"First of all, I didn't mean cry in a physical way. Everyone knows you were about to several times, but that's another story. I mean, just look at yourself and the way you're treating her. It's not like she had some terminal illness or something."
"She's just gone through a miscarriage, Flo, which is comparable to an illness. She's lost a part of herself."
"I know that! And the last thing the poor girl needs is to be reminded of it all the time."
On the defensive as usual, Sharon shrugged. She swept some dark strands away from her face.
"It's just natural that she'll need to talk about it" she justified herself.
"Of course!" Flo replied with a sigh "And we, as friends, have to listen and comfort her! But you have to respect that she sometimes won't feel like, so there's no need to bring up the topic."
"I didn't bring it up!"
"Maybe not explicitly" the giantess pointed out "But you do it all the time! Just that sad look you constantly give her screams it all."
"She's my friend; I worry about her" Sharon retorted.
"Well, if you want to be a good friend, stop worrying. That won't help her."
"Then what am I supposed to do? Act like it doesn't matter?"
"No" Flo spoke softly, trying to make the situation calmer "Why do you always have to go to extremes? Of course it is awful, but you shouldn't make such a deal out of it."
"But it is a big deal!"
Sharon was being as stubborn as usual. Flo remained silent for a moment, thinking of a way to make her girlfriend understand what she was trying to say. Nevertheless, the brunette took advantage of that long pause to attack.
"Anyone would say that you don't even feel sorry for her..."
When something made Flo angry, her face tensed in such a way that all her features became so harsh that they even looked masculine. That was the effect Sharon's statement had on her.
"Well, maybe because I don't!" she snapped in the end.
The other woman took a step behind. She certainly didn't expect such a response. A gasp escaped her throat.
"You don't?! How can you not?!"
"Would it help her if I did? No! Would her baby come back to life if I began crying now? Of course not! Besides, I don't think it's such a tragedy. Things happen for a reason."
Sharon's jaw dropped. Anyone would say that she had just seen a ghost.
"W-what?!" she stammered in shock "So you're happy about Johanna's loss?"
"No!" Flo shouted. Then, fearing that they might wake Johanna up with their argument, she lowered her voice "I didn't say that. I just mean that... well, maybe it's not such a big loss for her."
"Losing a child is one of the worst things that can ever happen to a woman!"
"Not to every woman."
"How would you feel if you lost your first child, Flo?"
"I don't know. I wouldn't want to have children in the first place."
The revelation seemed to horrify Sharon even more. If Flora knew what she had just said...
"So that's it!" the Dutch girl exclaimed "You hate children! What happened to you to become such a monster?"
"Oh, come on!" the taller girl rolled her eyes in annoyance "Sharon, please! I don't hate children. Do I need to remind you that I have a 6-year-old niece? That I love her more than I can say? You have to understand me. I believe in destiny, and I think there is a time for everything in life."
"What has this all got to do?"
"Johanna is just 21. She might be mature for her age, but at the moment her job is to be carefree, to party, to focus on her studies, to be foolish... Perhaps it wasn't the right moment for her to give this all up. Of course this whole thing will be tough on her, I'm sure. But that's what we're here for. She needs us to help her see the bright side, even when there doesn't seem to be one."
Finally, that speech seemed to get to Sharon. Her expression changed radically. After thinking for a while, she exclaimed:
"Damn it, Flo! You should have become a politician! You're so good at talking it's scary."
Satisfied, the taller girl chuckled.
"Oh, well... it's never late."
Happy that everything seemed back to normal, she took Sharon's hand. Automatically, the brunette smiled and rested her head on her shoulder. Yet there was still something bothering Sharon. After watching television blankly for a few minutes, she couldn't resist anymore and asked:
"Flo, that thing you said about not having kids before... I was wondering if you really meant it."
The taller woman was glad that she couldn't see her face. She pressed her lips tightly together as she heard the question, cursing that moment.
"Hm?" Sharon lifted her head from her girlfriend's shoulder, searching her face.
No way out. So Flora did the only thing she could do at that moment. She put a smile on and try to be as kind and soft as she could.
"Like I said, there's a time for everything in life. I believe mine hasn't come yet. I mean, right now, I'm just 27, so I consider myself to be still young. That said, in the future I'd love to be in a stable relationship, and I guess it kind of belongs to it. Let's say I'm not yet particularly attracted to the idea, but never say never..."

27.

On a normal day, they would have spent the whole ride joking and laughing. Talkative as she was, she would probably be telling him about what she had been up to during the day. Yet an old song by Journey was all he could hear. The silence was so unbearable that he had had to turn the radio on.
Since Johanna got released from hospital, she hadn't been herself. Once the effects of all the sedatives they had been giving her had worn out and life had gone back to normal, everything seemed to have worsened. The lack of things to do during the summer holiday plus not having the doctors and nurses give her constant attention made her break down eventually. She hadn't slept in days and spent most of the time crying. Apparently her energy was all gone. However, the worst of all was that she couldn't bear seeing Marco. Being in the same room as him reminded her of their tragedy, causing her a pain she couldn't take. Therefore, both roommates had made a tough decision.
After what felt like an eternity, the car finally pulled up by a familiar house. Both contemplated the building silently. Marco hesitated; then he let out a sigh and asked:
"Are you sure you want to do it?"
The girl forced a weak smile. It was the closest to a real grin she had shown in the past weeks.
"No need to be afraid. You know I love you and I'll be back soon. I just need to... get away for some time."
"Away from me?" he almost whispered, his gaze dropping.
She could hear in his voice that he was hurting. Thinking that she was the cause of his pain made her want to cry again. She felt selfish for letting her own misery affect the one she loved. With a gentle touch on his shoulder, she kissed his cheek sweetly as she spoke:
"Not from you, Marco. I need to get away from everything for a while. We're causing each other so much pain at the moment... Just let me get over this my way so we can be happy again."
The Swede, whose eyes were already becoming glassy, nodded slowly. He leaned in to kiss her mouth. It was a soft contact; in some way, he needed the evidence that she still loved him. Both lovers lingered in that goodbye gesture for a bit longer than any regular kiss. A part of his heart wondered when he would taste those lips again, or if he'd ever kiss her again at all.
Not wanting to make the agony longer, they got off the car. Like the gentleman he was, he hurried to open the trunk and pick up her suitcase. Of course, he wouldn't let her carry it herself. She didn't argue, which was one more sign that she was not herself. The old Johanna would have protested that she didn't spend so many hours a week in the gym in vain.
"Oh, hey guys" a slightly puzzled Flora greeted as she answered the door "What's up?"
Their body language made her regret being so cheerful. Johanna's eyes were fixed on the floor, walking one step behind her boyfriend. It was him who spoke.
"Evening, Flo. Hope it's not a bad time..."
"Um, no, I don't think so" moving aside politely with a smile, the giantess let them in "We were about to have dinner, but you guys are of course welcome to join."
"Actually, it will only be her" Marco explained, rubbing the back of his neck as they both stepped in "If it's alright, she might be joining you guys for some time..."
She was about to ask what he meant when she noticed the suitcase in Marco's hand. That was also the moment when Sharon came downstairs. Her hair was rather wet, which suggested that she had recently come out of the shower.
"Hello! What...?"
The Dutch girl trailed off, biting her lip. She knew immediately what was going on. Yet before she could say anything, Marco's words cleared up the situation.
"First of all, sorry for dropping in so suddenly. As you both know, the past few weeks have been terribly hard on the two of us. So we've decided to separate for a while" seeing the shocked look on Sharon's face, he cleared his throat and corrected himself "Don't worry; we're not breaking up. It's just-"
"I needed to get out of the house" Johanna finally broke her silence "Everything in there reminds me of the baby, and it's killing me. Killing all of us, actually. So we were wondering..."
"Of course you can!" Sharon didn't even let her finish the phrase "You can stay here as long as you need, Jo."
Flo couldn't help but feel amazed at how the three of them seemed to complete each other's sentences. Deep down, their cute closeness made her smile, but she decided not to show it. It wasn't the right moment. Instead, she just nodded and headed for the kitchen.
"I'll go prepare something for you."
The three former roommates exchanged silent looks. Everything was set, apparently. Leaving the suitcase on the floor carefully, Marco exhaled.
"Alright, then" he did his best not to sound like he wasn't happy at all with the situation "Thanks a lot for everything, Sharon. And... I guess I'll see you guys soon."

26.

The calm waters of the lake reflected the sunlight, drawing funny shapes on the surface. As the afternoon was coming to an end, the sun made its way to the horizon, a crimson halo surrounding it. It was slowly getting chilly, so Liv wrapped her shawl around herself. Smiling, she took a piece of home-made sushi with her chopsticks and fed it to her girlfriend, who accepted the delicacy sensually.
Neither of them had spoken in a while. Those moments of silence had become a constant in their relationship. It felt as though words were absolutely superfluous when they both knew they were enjoying themselves. There was no need to ask questions or disturb the peace with small talk. All they needed was to look into each other's eyes.
"You'll never stop surprising me" the blonde commented as she finished the last bite and rested her head on Tarja's shoulder, kissing her right below the earlobe "Picnic by the lake already sounded amazing... but I had no clue you were a sushi professional."
The Finn's only response was a chuckle and a kiss on top of the other woman's head. Liv closed her eyes, protecting them from the light that was shining stronger and stronger, and snuggled up a little more to her lover. She breathed deeply, as if she wanted to keep the smell of grass in her lungs as a memory.
"Liv?" Tarja whispered after a long pause.
"Hm?" the other one replied, her eyes still closed.
Her girlfriend lowered her voice, moving her mouth closer to the Norwegian's ear.
"I love you."
Past experiences had shown her how important it was to express feelings. Therefore, Tarja had promised herself she would overcome her fears. And it wasn't the first time she had told Liv what she felt for her. Even so, right after pronouncing those words she felt a rush of excitement deep within, like the few occasions in which she had said it - in any case, she had the theory that such a phrase shouldn't be overused so that it wouldn't lose its meaning. That was the reason why she would always save it for special moments like that one - surrounded by a beautiful landscape, spending time on their own. Liv sat up, opening her blue eyes slowly.
"I love you too" she mumbled against her mouth before kissing her.
Their kisses were long and tender, which didn't make them any less passionate than the ones they shared in the bedroom. Much to the contrary; the Finn, who was used to an almost violent sexuality, had gradually come to love those subtleties. There was not a soul near them; they had the lake all to themselves. And even if there had been someone else, they wouldn't have cared. Nothing else existed.
"Wanna go home or anywhere else?" Tarja suggested.
"Hmm..." the blonde tilted her head, biting her finger lightly, as she thought "Actually, I think I have a better idea. How about getting a bit closer to the shore? I'd like to feel the water."
"Nice idea" the dark-haired woman approved.
Both ladies took of their shoes and sat on a rock, watching the beautiful lake. The sun had already set, but it wasn't dark yet, so they could still enjoy all the colours of the nature. After a while of hesitation, Liv finally slid her feet into the water, moaning gently. Tarja followed suit. A bit cold for her taste, but still relaxing and pleasant. She wrapped an arm around her girl's shoulders. Once more, only distant sounds filled the silence.
They had sat there a while, lost in their thoughts, not noticing that they had company until something made Liv snap out of her trance. A little boy, not older than two, who still had a dummy in his mouth, was walking dangerously close to them, probably just playing around. Meters away, she saw his family enjoying their own early-evening picnic, giggling and sharing jokes. Apparently, none of them had realized that he had managed to slip away from them. Worried that he could fall or hurt himself, the Norwegian got up and hurried towards him.
"Hey! What are you doing here, sweetie?" she said to him tenderly as she picked him up from the floor and lifted him "You can't be here, love. It's dangerous."
With no hesitation, she took him to where the rest of the family was sitting. Meanwhile, Tarja contemplated the scene. A woman, presumably the boy's mother, smiled and thanked Liv for taking care of her baby. She couldn't help but find it cute. Her girlfriend had just become a heroine in some way, which made her grin.
"Wonder Woman saves the day!" the Finn joked as Liv came back and sat down next to her.
Liv chuckled and gave her a playful whack before putting her feet back into the water.
"I was scared that he was getting too close to the lake."
"I know. It's not wise to bring little kids to places like this."
"Oh well..." Liv disagreed "I think they need to be taught to love the nature. You just have to be careful. I mean, it's fine to let them explore by themselves, but you need to keep an eye on them."
"I see you have your own theories on motherhood" Tarja giggled.
"I do. I love children."
"Really? I had no idea..."
"Well, now you do" the Norwegian laughed "Before starting my studies in Bergen, I had a gap year and worked in a daycare center. It was a great experience. Ever since, I knew I wanted to have kids of my own."
That was quite a revelation. Raising an eyebrow, Tarja smiled lightly.
"Tell me more about it."
She honestly felt curious about it. For some reason, she wasn't scared or disappointed at that, but just surprised. Liv always seemed like a very independent person to her; nevertheless, there was something sweet about it.
"I've often fantasized about it" the blonde explained "I came to the conclusion that three is the perfect number. Two boys and a girl, so the boys would be very protective of their little sister. And if possible, I don't think there should be a big age difference between them. Maybe two or three years. Five at the most."
"Wow! You have it all planned!" the green-eyed girl exclaimed "But just let me ask you one thing - how would you like to have them?"
"Hmm... let's see. I guess for us lesbians adoption is the way to go. On the other hand, I think I'd like to get pregnant at least once. I know it might sound silly, but I'd like to know what it feels like."
"Seriously? I really can't picture you with a baby belly. Bet it looks cute though."
"Sure!"
"So you would like to be the one who gets pregnant, then?" Tarja wondered "I mean, I guess if you ever had children, it would be with a woman..."
"Hmm... either that or on my own. See, I'm giving myself four more years - if I still haven't found the right partner at thirty-five, I'll try to find a sperm donor and raise the child all by myself. Of course, it'd be nicer if I had someone to help me, but it's an experience I wouldn't want to miss."
"Wow..." the other woman shook her head in surprise "You never told me..."
"Well, you never asked" Liv winked.
The same child as before interrupted the conversation. He poked Liv's shoulder from behind. The blonde turned around just to face him offering her a flower with his little hand. Laughing, she accepted the present, not without kissing his cheek in return. A teenage girl, probably an older sister, grabbed him by the hand, joking that he was a bit too young for her and telling him to say goodbye to his new friend. Surely Liv did seem to have a magnet for kids. Once the family had gone away, Tarja decided to resume the conversation.
"You're right - we never brought up the topic" she said "At least now I know your thoughts on that."
"Yeah. What about you? You haven't said anything yet..." the Norwegian stared at her "To be honest, one of the reasons why I never mentioned that I want kids was that I was assuming you wouldn't want them."
"Actually, I'm not quite sure myself" Tarja admitted "I mean, I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm a bit too crazy. But the truth is I'd like to have kids one day."
Her own confession took her by surprise, but even more the fact that she was being honest. Unlike many women she knew, being a mother wasn't one of the main goals in her life. However, it was an idea she hadn't completely ruled out in the bottom of her heart.
"Really?" Liv smiled.
"Yes. Maybe in a few years, if I've found the right woman, it'd be beautiful to have a baby with her. There's something I have to say though - I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy myself. It terrifies me."
"Aw, well, I can understand that" Liv chuckled "It does seem scary, but at the same time I'm too curious about it..."
"On the other hand" Tarja continued "I see a certain gap in the plan. I mean, ideally the kid should have strong bonds to both parents, and if it's only related to one of the women, I guess that could influence its relationship to his other mother."
"Hmm... actually, there are ways to do so" the other woman pointed out "In my opinion, adoption is the fairest. But I also read a story about two women who had a child together. I mean, not in the traditional, biological sense. One of them had the other one's ovule implanted and gave birth to the baby, so technically both were its mothers. I think it was truly sweet."
"It is!"
That conversation was a whole new world for Tarja. Most of her relationships hadn't been long or serious enough to even consider the options of marriage or children. The only person she had discussed motherhood with was Sharon, and her memories of that talk weren't exactly happy. However, Liv was different. Suddenly it didn't frighten her that much. In fact, she caught herself wondering what it would be like to have a child with the beautiful Norwegian... and not quite disliking the thought.

25.

When she regained consciousness, her whole body felt heavy and numb. She opened her eyes slowly. Everything was blurred for a moment until the image of her boyfriend became clearer. He was standing next to her with a serious expression on his face. It took her hand a while to realize that he was holding it softly. His grip tightened a bit when he saw that she was awake.
Marco blinked a few times, seized by the doubt whether to try to hug her or just stay where he was. She looked so frail; after a long time seeing her as a woman, the one he would one day marry, suddenly Johanna was a child again. A helpless little girl. Her freckles, exposed by the lack of makeup, made her seem even younger. She made a weak sound, something similar to a moan as she inhaled and tried to open her eyes, which were only slits. Even breathing seemed to be a struggle for her.
She wanted to say something, but her body was barely reacting. It felt as though she was anesthetized, or still dreaming. As her field of vision grew wider, she noticed that all that surrounded her was white. Finally her mind and senses processed that she was lying on a bed. Was she in a hospital room? At that moment, memories went back to her mind - the kitchen, the blood, the floor, the pain... Lots of pain. Recalling that horrible sensation on her belly brought her back to a cruel reality.
"We lost her!" she wanted to scream, but all she could manage was an anguished whisper.
A tear slid down her cheek. The tall blond man felt his heart being torn into pieces at the sight.
"Ssssh, love!" he rubbed her arm gently, afraid of breaking her.
"Our baby... she's gone..." Johanna's voiced cracked.
Marco could not hold himself back anymore. He had to be strong for her, he wanted to be strong for her and comfort her... but he couldn't find his strength. As he finally allowed himself to embrace her, he began crying as well. He could sense her hiccups on his shoulder.
"Forgive me" she stammered.
"Ssssh" was all he could say.
"Please forgive me."
He covered his mouth with his hand as a wailing sound came out of it. What hurt even more than having lost his child, was to know that Johanna blamed it on herself in some way.
"No, no, you didn't do it" he murmured "These things happen..."
"I'm sorry, Marco... I'm sorry she's dead."
That night, the coupled stayed in that embrace, crying on each other's shoulder. For hours they mourned the loss of a child that had been sent to them as unexpectedly as it had been taken away from them.
In the meantime, three of their closest friends were heading out of hospital. Sharon looked back at the building as the sliding doors closed behind them.
"Maybe we should stay a while more. They might need us in there."
Cristina smiled compassionately at her and patted her arm in a friendly way.
"She's with Marco now; she'll be fine. Anyway, I'm sure he will call us if he needs anything."
"Yeah, I guess you're right" the Dutch girl sighed.
Flo nodded and made a titanic effort to repress a yawn. She didn't want to be disrespectful, but the tension and the almost twenty-four hours they had spent in the waiting room had exhausted her.
"I think we should all just go home and leave them alone" Cristina said "It's a delicate moment. Besides, your girlfriend seems tired."
The tallest woman was about to protest that she was just Sharon's flatmate, but she didn't have the chance. Sharon looked at her out of the corner of her eye and smiled as she said.
"Yeah, that's true. She could really use a rest."
Her eyes opened wide upon hearing those words. Surprise made her tiredness fade away suddenly. Had Sharon meant what she thought? It was not the time or the place to talk about such things, but she couldn't get it out of her head. She only went back to the real world as they both said their goodbyes to Cristina by the parking lot and got on their cars. Once they had driven a few minutes away from the hospital, Flo finally dared to break her silence.
"I'm sorry for looking tired..." was all that occurred to her to start a conversation.
"Hey, it's fine" Sharon kept her eyes on the road, yet she smiled "We all are. It's been a hard day."
"Yeah, sure it was..."
"We'll have a rest when we get home. We wouldn't be of any use if we're falling asleep on our feet. I'll call Marco tomorrow morning and see if there's any news."
Flora nodded. Again, she felt guilty for thinking of frivolous, personal stuff when they had just left behind a young girl who had lost her first child. Sharon's hand resting on her lap when they found a red light, however, didn't help her. In fact, it made her think that she had noticed Sharon and her getting closer since they had found out about Johanna's tragedy. She had been the one to take her hand when the doctor answered her question about the baby's state, but in the past hours she had the impression that Sharon was somehow seeking her. Probably she just wanted to be comforted.
"Sharon... can I ask you something?"
"Sure, go ahead."
She hesitated before speaking. Perhaps she would feel offended...
"You know, when Cristina told us that we should go home... she called me your girlfriend and... well, you didn't correct her."
Unlike what she expected, there was no awkward silence or denial. Sharon didn't turn to face her, but she could see her half-smiling as she replied.
"Some days ago you asked me if there was something between us and I told you I needed some time to make up my mind. Well, I just have."
A rush of joy made her heart skip a beat. Yet she tried to keep her cool.
"But... why? Why now?"
"Life is too short. Johanna's loss has made me realize that if we want something, we need to go for it, and we need to do it now. Otherwise, it might be gone when we finally try to find it and we will have lost it forever. I don't want to lose you, Flo. And I think it's finally time we gave ourselves a chance."